The Evil Solution

This is Denise Martin:



Denise is the self-pitying, femulleted "Survivor" contestant who told everyone that she was a $7/hour lunch lady, and when she got back home after the show's taping wrapped up, the meanie-bad school district she worked for demoted her to janitor duty. The school district received hate mail from all over the world - thousands of emails and letters. "Why would you persecute this poor woman who obviously doesn't have enough money for a mirror?" and the like.

Of course, it turns out that Denise is a lying cunt, she requested a PROMOTION to full-time custodian (paying her more than double than her lunch-ladying) BEFORE she left to tape the show, and the school district granted her EVERY ACCOMMODATION POSSIBLE so she could compete on "Survivor" and jump right back into her job upon her return.

It turns out that - surprise - the great unwashed masses generally fail to investigate situations thoroughly before they fire off angry emails decrying this world's horrible injustices. Such is the case with OneNewsNow's braintrust of readers, who weighed in on the curioous case of Nathaniel Abraham:

Nathaniel Abraham is a well-known biologist who was hired by Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution because of his expertise on Zebra fish. However, in 2004 Abraham lost his job shortly after he mentioned in a casual conversation with his supervisor that he did not believe in evolution.

In an interview with The Boston Globe, Abraham stated that his supervisor appeared "angry" after the conversation. He claims he was then given the ultimatum to believe evolution or lose his job. Abraham is now suing Woods Hole for half a million dollars for violating his civil rights.

Ignoring for a moment that Nathaniel is actually a "completely unknown" biologist (must have just been a typo) ... THOSE BASTARDS! How could they? Here's some righteous indignation from the ONN choir:

Go get 'em!

I wonder why there is not a public outcry of bigotry on behalf of this evolutionist employer?

You know full well there would have been national attention if the roles had been reversed...

Posted by Chris G

Reversed how? An evolutionary scientist applies for a job at the Creationist Museum and his application is declined? Whoa, there's some page one schizznit. Right on, Chris!

So, we have another Gallileo that refuses to throw his brain out the window and accept a flat earth as it were. I pray to the God that created us all that this man wins every dollar and more. Evolution is the Evil Solution to creation.

Posted by Golf Pro

When the hell did Galileo get co-opted by evangelical Christians? That's like when conservative Republicans invoke Abraham Lincoln. "We are the party of LINCOLN, who fought to have slaves freed from people whose political beliefs mirror mine exactly..."

If we're being logical and legal about this and not throwing around junk science, there is absolutely no evidence to support the "theory of evolution" at all. The more scientists try to prove the evolution theory, the more they prove the Bible is correct. Them's the facts, man. Get used to it.

Posted by Sharon Bolling

SHIT! I have been pWned! into submission by Sharon Bolling's airtight argument and mad rhetorical skillz! I give up.

What we see today is the same DNA found in humans for thousands of years. What we do see is that DNA revealing more of its complexity. God made us capable of surviving our environment. What makes evolution such a problem is that the claims of clarity are not clear at all. In fact some are out right stretches of the imagination. And then it’s called science?

Posted by mike

Tell Jerry Falwell that God made humans capable of evolving and see what kind of response you get - he'll call you a homo and damn you to hell. Oh wait he can't - that fat racist fuck is dead.

Regardless, I have to say that I have not seen a lyrically crafted turn of phrase like "the claims of clarity are not clear at all" since Sammy Hagar crooned "only time will tell if we stand the test of time." Fooking genius, Mike!

Again we see discrimination because someone chooses to disagree with "Unproven Science- "Evolution"....

Posted by Steven

Ah, yes ... discrimination. Well, if we are to believe everything that ONN has told us and take it on faith that they OMITTED NOTHING ... perhaps you're correct, Steven. Let's see if they left anything out:

In a 2004 letter to Abraham, his boss, Woods Hole senior scientist Mark E. Hahn, wrote that Abraham said he did not want to work on "evolutionary aspects" of the National Institutes of Health grant for which he was hired, even though the project clearly required scientists to use the principles of evolution in their analyses and writing.

[...]

He was hired by Hahn's marine biology lab in March 2004 because of his expertise working with zebra fish and in toxicology and developmental biology, according to court documents. He did not tell anyone his creationist views before being hired. Hahn's lab, according to its website, studies how aquatic animals respond to chemical contaminants by examining ". . . mechanisms from a comparative/evolutionary perspective."

[...]

But on Nov. 17, Hahn asked him to resign, pointing out in the letter that Abraham should have known of evolution's centrality to the project because it was evident from the job advertisement and grant proposal.

". . . You have indicated that you do not recognize the concept of biological evolution and you would not agree to include a full discussion of the evolutionary implications and interpretations of our research in any co-authored publications resulting from this work," Hahn wrote in the letter, which the commission provided to the Globe. "This position is incompatible with the work as proposed to NIH and with my own vision of how it should be carried out and interpreted."

Oh.

That's a bit like applying for a job as a basketball player and then saying you don't believe in the theory that balls bounce. It's like getting a job as a priest, and then saying you don't believe in Jesus. It's like applying for a job as a crack whore, and then telling your pimp that you don't believe in swallowing three loads at once - in all cases YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

So, easy on the "discrimination" claims, you dumb-assed backwater hillbilly dunces. Next time, before you write that angry email or post that inflammatory comment, you might want to do your research and find out if the "biologist" you're supporting has more in common with an ugly skank custodian than Anita Hill.

Headliners and Commenters

Usually the commenters on OneNewsNow provide the comedy, but the site's content producers have apparently decided to join in on the fun. Not content with mere obfuscation, now they're engaging in full-blown, tabloid-style "news" creation. Without looking at the site, guess which one of these stories is "fake" (although they're all 'fake' by some standard, I mean "which one doesn't actually appear on OneNewsNow.com):

STORY #1

Pro-lifer attacked -- then threatened with arrest
Rusty Pugh
OneNewsNow.com
December 14, 2007

During a protest at a Hillary Clinton campaign stop in Fort Madison, Iowa, last week, a pro-life activist was attacked by a man wielding a club. Eyewitnesses say that police responding to the incident threatened to arrest the pro-lifers if they did not immediately leave the public sidewalk. The incident was captured on video.

The group Missionaries to the Pre-born was protesting Senator Clinton (D-New York), a supporter of abortion, in advance of the January 3 Iowa caucuses. Cheryl Sullenger of Operation Rescue says a man in a pickup drove up, then attacked pro-lifer Dan Holman.

"He was attacked with a club," she recalls. "He called for the police officer who was across the street watching the situation, and the police officer came over and ordered him [Holman] to leave and threatened to arrest and jail him on the spot if he did not leave."

Okay ... we have pro-lifers assaulted with clubs, unnamed cops not doing anything about it, and it's all caught on video (which is apparently under lock and key). It's a start.

STORY #2

Legal case seen as 'backdoor' attempt to get civil unions recognized in Mississippi
Allie Martin
OneNewsNow.com
December 14, 2007

An attorney with Liberty Counsel says an unusual legal case could be a backdoor attempt to get legal recognition of civil unions in the state of Mississippi.

The case pits against each other two women who were "partners" in a homosexual relationship. The plaintiff claims that her former partner verbally agreed to give her an interest in real property. However, the pair lived in Florida at the time of the alleged oral agreement, and now both live in Mississippi.

This time, we have references to "backdoor attempt" and "oral agereement" in a story about godless homos. I wonder if Allie Martin knows that both of those phrases are actual porn titles ("Oral Agreement 6: The Swallows of San Juan Capistrano" is my favorite in the series). Hmmm ... maybe Allie IS aware:

STORY #3

Pro-family activist warns of potential rise in 'mobile porn'
Allie Martin
OneNewsNow.com
December 13, 2007

According to Juniper Research, revenues from mobile adult services are poised to approach $3.5 billion by 2010. It was also concluded in the report that as cell phone technology advances, porn will become easier to obtain. But Pat Trueman, special counsel with the Alliance Defense Fund (ADF), says concerned consumers can still limit the reach of mobile porn.

[...]

The ADF special counsel points out that former Congressman Steve Largent is president and CEO of CTIA-The Wireless Association -- an organization which represents all sectors of wireless communications. Largent, a family advocate and former member of the U.S. House, has vowed to do all he can to keep porn from becoming widely available on mobile phones.

Trueman also suggests that parents regulate their child's use of the phone. He says many children send pornographic emails to each other. "It's a regular thing in high school and college, [and] I fear it's a regular thing in grade school," says the attorney. He urges parents to remain vigilant while at the same time laying down usage rules.

Good ol' #80 is trying to take away my cellphone porn?



Good thing, too. Those grade-school kids are constantly cc'ing me with their pornographic emails of Dora the Explorer getting railed by Boots the Monkey. And don't even get me started on those ones featuring "The Map" ("WHO'S the map? Say it, bitch ... that's right - I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP ... I'M THE MAP").

STORY #4

Ex-Police Officer Stakes Out for Illegals
Rusty Pugh
OneNewsNow.com
December 12, 2007

Retired New Mexico state police officer Randy Gruden has a new "stakeout" - he volunteers with the Minuteman Society to find illegal immigrants and turn them in to the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS). But Randy's methods are somewhat controversial among the people in this small border town. Randy poses as a "john" seeking a prostitute, and when he receives an "offer", he turns the offender over to his former colleagues.

"99% of the prostitutes in this town are illegals, so not only are they breaking the law by being here, they're destroying our town by offering illicit sex for money," says Gruden. And the figures bear his statement out - in the past three months, 28 women here have been arrested for prostitution, and 24 of them have been determined to be illegal aliens.

Oof. It's a wild world.

So, which one is it?

Down Wit Da AIDSizzledizzle

Pop culture sland always has a shelf life. Nobody calls anything "groovy" anymore, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone scoring a touchdown saying "slap me five," and no self-respecting racist would ever call a black person a "darkie." Unfortunately, corporate types LOVE to integrate cultural slang into their product names and advertising campaigns ("this'll be really hip and fab for the kids!"), and sometimes they wind up stuck trying to sell a laughable anachronism. The comprehensive sex-ed program "Get Real about AIDS" seems well on its way down this path ... the program was named in 1992, at a time when we had yet to quiero Taco Bell, no dudes were getting Dells, and many people believed that Flavor Flav might actually have contributed something of substance to Public Enemy. Fifteen years later, the phrase "Get Real" has somehow remained somewhat inter-generationally relevant, but it's hanging by the thinnest of threads.

Perhaps it's time to rename "Get Real about AIDS" now that it has been thrust into the public sphere. As our pals at OneNewsNow.com report:

Pastor says superintendent doesn't want sex-ed curriculum revealed
A Florida pastor says a public school superintendent in St. Lucie County has purposely kept parents from finding out about the sexually graphic nature of sex-education curriculum for the district. The school board in St. Lucie County, Florida will hold a public forum Saturday, December 8, on the proposed sex-ed curriculum called "Get Real About AIDS." But Pastor Brian Longworth, associate pastor of Covenant Tabernacle World Outreach Center in Port St. Lucie, says the public forum is not being advertised or promoted. He believes superintendent Michael Lannon is hiding the curriculum's content from parents because of its sexually graphic nature, which Lannon maintains is meant to promote abstinence.

First of all, do yourself a favor and re-read that paragraph. First of all, there is a PUBLIC FORUM scheduled to discuss this curriculum ... that forum will be held in THREE WEEKS ... and Brian Longworth "believes" that the Superintendent is "hiding" the content of the curriculum on the basis of lack of advertising. Never mind the complete last sentence of the paragraph:

He believes superintendent Michael Lannon is hiding the curriculum's content from parents because of its sexually graphic nature, which Lannon maintains is meant to promote abstinence.

Apparently, Longworth is saying that Superintendent Lannon says that sexually graphic material promotes abstinence. I'm guessing that Mr. Longworth's comprehension problems extend to the world of vocabulary, and he may not understand the meanings of the words "libel" and "slander." But I digress. Of course, the article takes the typical "inflame and obfuscate" road and then makes a right turn on Propaganda Highway:

Pastor Longworth wonders if the curriculum is so good, why it is being kept from parents. He says if the school district thinks that highly of the curriculum, district officials should be proud and stand up and say it is a condom-based curriculum. "He's being deceptive, trying to trick parents into thinking that this is something that they will like, and not releasing the curriculum in time for them to review it."

Just in case "Pastor" Longworth wants area parents to check out the curriculum, I have a few web resources for him:

http://www.etr.org/recapp/programs/getreal.htm
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/programsthatwork/7getreal.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/reports/hiv_compendium/section1-22.htm

Also, Google returns a few billion results for "Get Real About AIDS," but in case Longworth's backwater Florida no-teeth half-retarded parishoners are too poor to afford the Internets because they've been fucking since they were 12 and have dozens of illegitimate children strewn across the deep south who all suffer from various deformations due to high incidences of chlamydia, syphillis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, HPV, and fetal alcohol syndrome ... well, here's a sampling of what they would find:

Overview of the Curriculum
The Get Real about AIDS high school version is a 14-lesson curriculum uses entertaining activities, discussions, roleplays, simulations and videos to give teens the knowledge and skills needed to reduce their risk of HIV infection. Although Get Real about AIDS is an HIV prevention curriculum, it addresses sexual risk-taking behaviors related to pregnancy prevention, including: delaying sexual activity, using condoms, being monogamous if sexually active, and avoiding risky situations.

Curriculum Objectives
At the completion of this program, youth will:

Reduce their risk of becoming infected with HIV.
Delay sexual activity.
If sexually active, use good judgement by abstaining from drug use, using condoms correctly, getting tested for HIV, and being monogamous.
Not share needles.

Get Real about AIDS consists of the following 14 lessons:
Lesson 1: Teenage Vulnerability to HIV
Lesson 2: Transmission of HIV
Lesson 3: All about AIDS and Other STDs
Lesson 4: Delaying Sex
Lesson 5: Preventing HIV Infection
Lesson 6: Limits
Lesson 7: The Refusal Skill, Day 1
Lesson 8: The Refusal Skill, Day 2
Lesson 9: Peer Messages
Lesson 10: Using the Refusal Skill Proactively
Lesson 11: Becoming Comfortable Using The Refusal Skill
Lesson 12: The Refusal Skill for Self-Control
Lesson 13: The Community Meeting
Lesson 14: Transfer

Never mind that on August 29, more than a few peeople already had their public fill of this issue:

At Tuesday's four-hour School Board workshop, the board did not vote on any changes to the current curriculum but listened to 35 people speak for and against the changes.
LINK

In fact, the audience of more than 150 people at the Dolly Hand Center on the campus of Palm Beach Community College came from throughout the Glades, with smatterings of folks from the east coast of Palm Beach County and included some Martin and St. Lucie County, as well. Hastings and a panel of area agency leaders provided current information that addressed the healthcare needs of people infected with HIV/AIDS and the latest educational programs aimed at preventing the disease.
LINK

Apparently, rather than distribute this information to his "parishoners," Longworth has been very busy writing his own material:

Through his church's website, the group Youth for America -- of which the pastor is a co-founder -- has gathered more than 3,750 petitions in opposition to the sex-ed curriculum.

WHOA! Once again, OneNewsNow has located a movement with an ASTONISHING raw number of petitions. Now, imagine that 100 people signed each of these 3,750 petitions ... that's like 8.9 BILLION signatures, right? Fucking impressive. Anyway, most of these people apparently signed these petitions after they viewed this information about the hidden curriculum posted on "Pastor Longworth's church website. I guess that Longworth's claims about a campaign of secrecy are grounded in the fact that nobody visits his Church's shitty-assed, designed-for-the-Lynx-browser-in-1993 website. Hey Bryan - fantastic unreadable animated GIF of a watchtower beacon in the top left banner. Perhaps you can work in a reference to "Where's The Beef?" so that everyone feels like they really did need a time machine to view your ghastly site (notice how I worked that "Pop Culture shelf life" theme back in? I'm good).

Anyway, what would a ONN article be without, as Fantod points out, a display of ONNanism from the dedicated readers:

Do you ever wonder why schools today cannot teach children how to read,write and general math skills but believe adamantly they can teach them about sex? Stupid is as stupid does. In this case it is the people who vote for the DEMONcrats that do not have a clue. It is simple, the devil wants our children. When will this nation turn from our wicked ways and humble ourselves and seek GOD'S face and pray for our nation and our families. This Thanksgiving can be for real. The GOD of ABRAHAM, ISACC and JACOB is waiting for you to ask JESUS into your heart. Don't wait. Please

In CHRIST,

Danny B. Joyner
Brewton, Alabama
JOHN 3:16

Yes Danny ... the Devil wants your kids. And he wants to fuck 'em in the ass. And cum all over them. Oh, actually, that's what your neighbor in the shack that he hasn't fixed up since Hurricane Noinsurance wants to do with your kids. My bad.

somehow i feel this person who wants to keep sex education content secret should be investigated for child sex violations. i think you will find that he is more than a educator to children.

Posted by paul ruppert

My my ... you know, I wouldn't mind the unfounded accusations of molestation so much if they weren't peppered with grammatical errors. This is an EDUCATOR we're talking about - let's try to be a bit more formal.

Ever hear or read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah? Those men in that city were so perverted they even tried to molest the Holy Angels of God. After being struck blind by those Angels, they FELT for the door to Lot's home. That is absolute perversion and enslavement of the spirit and mind. Soon HE comes back to take us out of this corrupted sewer/slime pit. A normal human (at least one) would have immediately gotten to a physician to see about his eyesight. Not this group of Sodomites. Their mind, as today, was below the belt.

Posted by Golf Pro

Goodness - always with the Sodom and Gomorrah references. Don't these people think of anything else? Do they whack off to that Bible story constantly (or is it just me who does that)?

Gays Reek

Eureka Springs, Arkansas - it's the new Gomorrah. Just take a look at what those heathens are up to now:

It's a little town in Arkansas with a name connected to Christian traditions by virtue of events like The Great Passion Play, and places to visit such as Christ of the Ozarks, the Bible Museum, and Thorncrown Chapel. Now, however, the name of Eureka Springs is also connected to controversy over the homosexual agenda.

In May the town's leadership unanimously approved an ordinance that allows homosexual couples to register as domestic partners, making Eureka Springs the first city in Arkansas to have such a registry.

The registry confers no legal rights upon anyone ... it's just a registry. But much like aerosol paint cans can be a gateway drug to the hard stuff (like Jack Daniels and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), it's simply the first step down a slippery slope (although I doubt many slippery slopes actually have steps):

"It is just a piece of paper that says these two people are in a relationship and are committed to each other," Mayor Wilson said. "That's all." In the opinion of those opposed to the city council's decision, however, that's not all the piece of paper says. It represents a promotion of the homosexual lifestyle.

Rev. Wilson said, "God wants everybody to have the best possible life. Anything that deteriorates from the quality of life, God would like to call us away from that, and I put homosexuality in that context."

Apparently, however, Eureka Springs has already slid WAY down that slope, which is apparently greased with KY (the jelly, not the entire state filled with hillbillies):

There's little doubt that homosexuals play a huge role in the life of Eureka Springs. KTHV said that, of the roughly 2,000 people who live there, about 400 are homosexual. That's a whopping 20 percent of the population -- far in excess of the approximately 2-3 percent of the U.S. population as a whole who are gay or lesbian.

Whoa! And how did they come up with that exact figure of 400? Did they just take everyone's word for it, or did they test empirically? However they arrived at it, that number isn't just a warning, it's a WAR:



As usual, the good readers of OneNewsNow.com have their opinions on the matter. My favorites come from folks whose lives are so sad, that they dream of retirement to a filthy panhandle shack next to a rapist or two:

There was a time when I dreamed of retiring in the Eureka Springs area. I am looking elsewhere to transplant for my retirement. As an Arkansas native, I formerly thought I definitely would retire in Arkansas, but the news of Eureka Springs promoting a domestic partner registry and the state's elected federal leaders' support of the Hate Crimes Bill and ENDA have pretty much ENDAed my plans to return to Arkansas as my home.

I want to retire where I can proudly have my grandchildren visit. I want to live in a communtiy with Christian values.

Posted by Amy

Yeah, Amy. If you can't commit hate crimes, what good is Arkansas?

The following was posted by Linda Flaharty:

Recently we passed through Eureka Springs while we were returning to Oklahoma

Linda, I'm guessing I can stop right there. You had me at Oklahoma. Here's more from the OK state:

Homosexuality is EVIL and no amount of acceptance will ever make it anything else. You might want to try and find where Sodom and Gohmora are today! It was so utterly destroyed that no one knows for sure where it is or existed. We all know the names of Sodom and Gohmora but they arn't on any map. I am afraid that E.S. will end up and avoided forgotten because of this evil.

Jim Schimmel
Lookeba, OK

Oh, I've tried to find them, Jim. Many a night, many a night. I'll keep looking though - perseverance is a virtue.

Wake up peoples. Better band together and stop the communists now or forever stick your sabre in the ground.

Posted by Phillip

First of all, I was unaware of the Marxist/Leninist leanings of homos (it's always an education at ONN). Second, I need to add "stick your sabre in the ground" to my ever-growing list of "euphemisms for ass sex I've never heard before."

And finally:

The absolute worse thing Christians could do is to stay away from Eureka Springs. The best thing they can do is to go to Eureka Springs, support the Christians who live there, pray for the Gay Community, and witness to them. The writer is correct, what a mission field!

Posted by Larry Green

I don't know, Larry ... I worry that after a long, tiring day of witnessing, many otherwise devout Christians will be susceptible to temptation and wind up with a sabre in their backyard.

Hey There, It's Been A While

Believe me, I've been busy ... but I've been keeping up with the OneNewsNow lunatics - their self-loathing (sabotaging of Mike Huckabee), their misplaced anger (particularly toward gays ... which is often just more self-loathing), and their fervent desire to demolish public schools in the U.S.A.

Today's OneNewsNow makes an ardent appeal to their readers' penchant for localism - the idea that the federal government should keep their damn hands off of local matters (of course, the feds can always step in and make laws banning abortion, flag burning and mary-juwanna smoking, but that's DIFFERENT). Here we go...

On Tuesday, voters in Utah defeated the school voucher initiative, thanks -- say supporters of the measure -- to more than $3 million in union funds from mainly out-of-state voucher opponents. Robert Enlow, executive director of the Milton & Rose D. Friedman Foundation, says it is a tragedy that public school teacher's unions sabotaged the program and denied true school choice in order to further their own agenda, and to ensure job security for thousands of public school teachers.

"In fact, this bill would have provided more money to Utah public schools, while at the same time offering more choices to Utah children and families," argues Enlow. "This is an example of where you can have an out-of-state teacher's union -- a national teacher's union -- thwart a local effort, and do it successfully by putting out a bunch of misinformation and lies. And frankly, that's unfortunate for the children of Utah."

But Enlow says the national school-choice movement is strong and will continue to gain momentum. He says such a large group of disaffected people cannot be disregarded forever.

Did you catch that? Let me lay it out for you:

National Teachers Union = BAD
National School Choice Movement = GOOD

But hey, at least this "National School Choice Movement" is a grassroots effort on the part of millions of individuals, all pooling together to make an impact locally, right? And of course, the spokesman in this article is a representative of local interests, right?

Robert Enlow, executive director of the Milton & Rose D. Friedman Foundation

The Milton & Rose D. Friedman Foundation
One American Square, Suite 2420
Indianapolis, Indiana 46282
Phone: 317-681-0745
Fax: 317-681-0945

Is Indiana close to Utah? Maybe some hoosierkids could take their vouchers and go to Brigham Young University.

Gay 101

What do you get when you mix a gay male teacher with lots of 8-year-olds? A WHOLE LOT OF SEXY - that's what you get.

A California-based pro-family activist is outraged that a San Diego public school teacher is teaching third graders that homosexuality is acceptable, and that a San Diego news website is glorifying the teacher's indoctrination techniques. [...]

"This is a situation where you have a schoolteacher who is absolutely trying to indoctrinate little children who don't have the wherewithal to say 'I don't agree with that. I don't think that's right,'" says Hartline. "We're talking about 8-year-olds, and maybe 9-year-olds, and maybe even as young as 7-year-olds, who don't have any ability to absorb this information that this teacher is putting in their minds, and reject it."

I'll bet this guy is just blowing kids left and right while they salute the flag. Let's check out his Declaration of Indoctrination...

I'm really honest with my kids. ... Once, a couple of fundamentalist parents pulled me aside and said, 'What kinds of things out of left field are you going to be teaching our child?' ... And I said, 'Well, if you're referring to conversations about the gay and lesbian community, I just talk about it in terms of treating everybody with respect." ... Even the fundamentalist parents sign on to that kind of stuff.

WHOA! Slow down there, Rock Hudson. Obviously, you're hell-bent on teaching forcible anal rape. Not like you couldn't work anal rape into interdisciplinary units on The Discovery of the New World, The Pilgrims, The Trail of Tears, The South Before the Civil War, The South During the Civil War, The South After the Civil War, The South Today, World War I, World War II, The Korean War, Vietnam, The American Civil Rights Movement, Iraq ... well, you get the point. Just because anal rape has played an integral role in the American tradition of manifest destiny doesn't mean you should be handing K-Y to hairless pre-pubescent boys who have trouble taking a dump if their log is fatter than a string cheese stick.

I'm gonna guess that OneNewsNow.com readers have something to say about this:

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: if these bozos would be arrested for child enticement this stuff would end in the classroom. What other reason or excuse could any adult give for talking to small children of that age about sexual matters which are NONE of his business, and way too early an age as to his "audience"? At the very least, this guy should be investigated as to his background and activities. I'd bet he's molested children after "indoctrinating" them.
Seems to be the reason for the indoctrination.
What else could it be? That the kids are "intolerant" of homosexuals? They don't even know what sex IS, and shouldn't at that age. That is the parent's job, but when a "teacher" takes it upon himself to preach perversion to little kids, it has nothing to do with his job, but his predilections.

Posted by Bill

Bill's SAID IT BEFORE and he'll SAY IT AGAIN. Remember that.

As Christians we believe what the bible says about homosexuality. I personally do not teach my child to hate anyone, but a teacher should not be allowed to contradict what a parent teaches as we have the primary responsibility for teaching our children.

Posted by Lynda

Lynda: The Supreme Court ... look into it.

Homosexuality is all about sex - that's it! It's not about lifestyle, it's not about heredity (which they keep looking for and never find), it's not even about love - it's about having sex with someone of the same sex, and that fact alone is enough to not teach kids that young - we don't teach them about sex at that age, their brains are not mature enough to understand the dynamics of human relations.
This bozo teacher is a monster in disguise, the disguise of hatred. Just because we don't agree with his thinking makes it hatred! If that were true this country would have drowned long before the term "civil rights" ever took hold. These homosexual groups like to label us who oppose this "lifestyle" as fearful ("homophobic") and liken us to bigots and racists.
It's about sex! Call it what it is! They won't do that because then the truth about it is exposed... bunch of cockroaches...

Posted by WCH

"Cockroaches." That's a new one for me.

And also teachers and others of this mentality may have a history child abuse, using pronography, and other unsavory and unChristian practices. It may be possible, by using the internet, or other divices at our disposal, to learn of these and expose these people to the public for what they are: frauds.

e r thielk

Posted by edward thielk

Edward, how are you going to use the Internet to track teachers' activities when you can't even operate a Speak 'N Spell?

This teacher needs to apply for a job in Iran. I bet the Iranians will explain it well as they do not have a "GAY" problem in Iran. Just ask Hitler's nephew.

Posted by Ron Penny

I heard that Mussolini's grand-niece is a rug-licker.

If we are loving Christians, we must warn the gays about the dangers of having same sex attraction. I learned from Conservapedia that sexually transmitted diseases don't occur in heterosexual relationships, only in homosexual relationships. If this is not enough to convince gays to be straight, I don't know what would do it. We need to teach the gays to pray. Its the fault of parents not teaching their children to pray. If they learn to pray, they can not be gay.

Posted by Hazel Robinson

Nice try, "Hazel." A little too far over the top to not be outed as a gag response. But close. Close. A little more oblique next time.

Quick WNDiversion

I just got back from a trip to the World Nut Daily edge of the universe, where they are taking right-wing media circle-jerking to stratospheric heights. Check this out:

Chuck Norris' Newest Honda Commercial
'Tough Meets Classy' capitalizes on actor's legendary persona

The commercial opens in an elegant restaurant. Coffee is being poured into fine China. A harpist is softly playing "Greensleeves" in the background. Well-dressed and smiling ladies are gently conversing. In walks a dirty-faced Chuck Norris clad in a black vest with black-gloved clenched fists at his side – surveying the room with suspicious eyes.

Yes, you're correct. WND is posting an article about the new teevee commercial made by Chuck Norris. F'real.

"Tough meets classy," says the announcer. "The stylish, 4-door Ridgeline, built by Honda."

It's the latest TV ad featuring Chuck Norris, the martial-arts star cum movie start cum Internet "facts" legend cum WND commentator.

Not only is Chuck Norris a secret weapon for Madison Avenue. He's also a secret weapon on the political landscape – using his most recent exclusive commentary in WND to endorse dark-horse presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas.

I have to admit, I did enjoy their use of the word "cum" in the article.

Chuck Norris has been writing his weekly column exclusively for WND since Oct. 23, 2006. The star of "Walker: Texas Ranger" and some of the biggest action pictures ever, Chuck Norris has talking to a new generation these days as part of an Internet craze for one-liners usually labeled not as jokes but as "facts."

Here are some samples:


"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there."

"They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for Chuck's beard."

"Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink."

"Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that 'Law & Order' are the names of his left and right legs."

Wow. That's some Comedy Gold, as Mr. KEvron is fond of saying. What about "Chuck Norris is so tough, he can stuff Osama INTO a bin ... Laden" or "Chuck Norris can stop the AIDS epidemic by bending over and enticing queers to fuck his beautiful ass, and then clenching up his butt cheeks and ripping their dicks off" (apologies to Eddie Murphy), or "If Chuck Norris were in Little Rock 50 years ago, he's have thrown those coons off the roof of the school and they would have landed right back in their negroid classroom chairs where they belonged." Chuck Norris jokes ... always funny.

The article continues with a fawning biography that extolls the virtues or All Things Chuck, although it fails to mention that he was successful in siphoning millions of dollars from vulnerable fat people through his successful advertising campaign for a useless exercise machine (an item with the sole apparent purpose of providing a weather-beaten Christie Brinkley with an inclined surface upon which to spread her legs once more for the millions of past-it guys who think there might be something at the end of the rainbow other than the barren, cobwebbed cave that used to be her vagina - before it sucked the life out of Billy Joel and countless other men who wound up in rehabilitation after realizing that they had given half their fortunes to a brainless cyborg whose idea of creativity is the album cover for "River of Dreams" - but I digress).

It's an "article" about an advertisement featuring a guy who writes articles for the "news" source that published the article. In the end, it's one more step toward the late, great Bill Hicks' vision for advertising in America:

The ad begins with a naked woman sitting on a barstool ... she spreads her legs slowly to reveal her hairless vagina ... she strokes her pussy and throws back her head in rapture ... and then, just as the commercial is about to close, these words appear on the screen ... "Drink Coke."

Gay Ear Tickling

I'm having a hard time figuring out who evangelicals hate more - Mormons or Episcopalians. Mormons may have added their own satanic material to the Bible by looking into Harry Potter's sorting hat, but at least they demonize gays and don't let them serve as Bishops. Once again, Katharine Jefferts Schori is the object of OneNewsNow.com reader scorn, as she dared to bring Jesus' clumsily hung body into the argument on homosexuality and the church:

"We reaffirmed commitments made at the last General Convention to wait and to consider carefully before consenting to the election of another openly gay and partnered bishop, and to wait before authorizing rights for blessing same-sex unions. The crucifixion I suffer is not being able to include the fullness of the gifts of my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, that they are not yet able to live those out in all orders of ministry in this church, that their unions are unable to be blessed in those places," she stated.

Silly Katharine - gays aren't crucified, they're ostracized from their families, shunned by society and then either dragged behind trucks or beaten by angry mobs. Now that we've clarified that point, let's see what the OneNewsNow.com braintrust has to say about her demonically impertinent comments:

Boy oh boy, if I'm reading this right, this presiding Bishop Kate Schori is WAYYY out there. She is part of the problem. The Episcopal Church doesn't believe the Bible and kicked God out a long time ago. We shouldn't take the Bible LITERALLY??? Is she kidding? Then what are Episcopalians supposed to base their faith on anyway? The Episcopal church is watering down the Gospel in an attempt to make their church seem more appealing. They hold Bizaars, fish dinners, towel parties and Christmas craft shows to raise money rather than preach the Gospel and tell their members what the Bible says about tithing. And the blessings that go with it. The Episcopal church doesn't even believe in God. They think He's just "good thoughts." Bye bye Episcopal church!

Posted by Mark Krampen

I have the same criticisms about my local high school. They told kids not to take "Animal Farm" literally, when we all know it's about the problems that can occur when subverts God's commands for humans to hold absolute dominion over nature and the animal kingdom. And many people got in trouble for the latest Towel Party, which got totally out of control when Joker hit Pyle too many times.

Jesus said that He came to fulfill the law and the prophets and that not one jot nor one tiddle will be left out. It is interesting that Schori uses this reference to say that Jesus does not call us to obey the law of God, since Jesus is God. Why would He die on the cross for us, if He did not intend for us to follow Him every step.

Posted by cindy

My entire life, government has done nothing but throw money at those damn tiddles and jots, and they have done nothing to improve their social standing. Personally, I will never hire another tiddle. But I might have a bit of a fetish for the jots.

It may become evident that these so called leaders have a different god, called money. It is time to taker their god away from them. There needs to be a tea party here also.

Posted by Paul Ruppert

Hmmm ... is that the same God that Mark Krampen wants us to tithe to? Frankly, I owe Jesus an extra 5 points vig by Wednesday, or he'll send Zaccheus to bust my fuckin' legs.

it would seem that some that claim to be pastors in a house of God and who claim to represent him and to be teaching his word, are attempting to stick their finger in his eye.

personally, i would have immediately left any congregation or denomination that did not defrock anyone that was found to be actively homosexual. i especially would not have condoned his/her being promoted.

Posted by Dan Shamrock

Frankly Dan, once those gays take off their frocks, they poke their finger everywhere BUT the eye.

By their fruits we shall know them.

Posted by Christopher

The word is ... it's pomegranates.

Bet you that money is at the root of all this - what do you think?

Posted by Ed C

More anti-tithe talk ... I won't have it, I tell you.

The scripture is plain about people seeking those who will tickle their ears. It appears this is one denomination that is willing to throw out God's word for the soothing of all those who might be called to live by it!

Posted by Rob from VA

I think I have it now ... are "ears" and "eyes" homo code words for "anuses"?

Now it all makes sense.

The Best Part of Waking Up

The Best Part of Waking Up? It's Janet Folger in your cup. Janet is yet another in OneNewsNow.com's stable of fire-and-brimstone, "armageddon is coming if we don't elect radical Christians whom will buy every white person a gun," over-the-top wacko columnists. That description may seem hyperbolic - until you read her "writings":

There has never been another election like this in all of our history -- it is for all or nothing ... literally. We will either win everything we have worked for in the last three and a half decades or we will lose it all.

WE'RE FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES, PEOPLE! It would be a nice touch if she would tack on this phrase at the end of that statement: "In fact, if we lose the election, we should all band together to drink poison communion wine, and make the southern and plains states look like the world's largest Jonestown replication project." Unfortunately, there's precious little hope of that, as Janet is far too concerned on saving the lives of trillions of little sperms that might someday become God's unwanted babies:

Beyond losing the chance to restore protection to unborn children in our lifetime, we face losing every single pro-life law we have passed in the last 34 years. Parental notice, parental consent, the woman's right to know law, waiting periods, fetal homicide, abortion funding restrictions, partial-birth abortion bans -- all gone -- wiped off the books in every single state with the promised signature of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama to the radical "Freedom of Choice Act," or FOCA.

Apparently, that "Fetal Homicide" law must have been passed in 1999, because that's when one of my favorite shows went off the air:



Of course, Janet also struggles with the idea that the federal government wants to limit the amount of hatred that she and her church pals can express toward gays, Muslims, Mexicans and negroes:

You see, when 28 million evangelical Christians sat home in 2006, we handed the keys of power in Congress to those who hate us. Not only did they pass "hate crimes" legislation, which, without a presidential veto, will criminalize Christianity, now nearly a fourth of the U.S. House of Representatives and a fifth of the U.S. Senate are cosponsors of the most radical abortion bill this nation has ever seen. The only thing FOCA doesn't do is implement the forced-abortion policy of China, which, I suppose, they can add by amendment.

Ooh! I love Janet's sassy "tee hee" joke about how the Chinese government slices up women to avoid overpopulating the world with burdensome girls. But wait, she ain't done:

Say goodbye to every single pro-life advance we have made in three and a half decades. And say hello to partial-birth abortion performed on your 12-year-old daughter without your knowledge or consent, paid for with your tax dollars in every single state. That's what Hillary and Barack will sign if elected to the White House.

What about my 11-year-old daughter? Boy, I REALLY hope that she's not too young for a D&X, or I might have some 'splainin to do. But for now, Janet will summarize it all for us:

The end to abortion on demand is within our grasp; so is the annihilation of every advance we have ever made. Values Voters: Are you ready to unite yet?

The Mensa Meeting Otherwise Knows as OneNewsNow's Readers sure are ready to unite! Let's begin with another classic from our good pal Earl B. Buggin:

I think the hardest thing for me to understand is why the American people voted out Republicans after one term. It took the Democrats almost 50 years of control to mess up our government and way of life. What makes the people think that the Republicans could fix it in 4 years. Give me a break. It's going to take a lot longer to fix what's been done to this country. Of course it would help if some Republicans would stop spending money like the were Democrats. We all know where the money comes from. The Middle-Class.

Posted by Earl B. Phillips

Careful Earl, John Stossel is coming after you with his copyright on "Give Me a Break" (although he is currently in mediation with the estate of Nell Carter). And is it me, or did I miss all the other "terms" where the GOP had a congressional majority? And Bush is in his second term, correct? Earl Be Needin' a Calendar.

I know this probably won't be received well, but I've always thought, "Team Thompson/Huckabee." Of course, why not, "Huckabee/Thompson." I simply feel (and I call it nothing more than a feeling) but there is something intuitively wrong with the later. I'm still thinking our best chance is "Thompson/Huckabee!!!"

Posted by Gene Mattingly

Don't you love when delusional Christian zealots play cruel jokes on themselves? Gene is apparently hoping for a GOP ticket with the electoral power of George McGovern.

Psalms 33:12 says " Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
The people He has chosen as His own inheritance".
Get on your knees and prayer for a man of righteousness to become President of the USA.

Posted by Jean Donauer

That's right Jean - a man. Not some stank ho, a man. Man, man, man, man, man.

Oh, and Jesus? Please make that man be not a negro.

I ♥ James L. Lambert!

A few posts ago, I highlighted the nonsensical ramblings of mortgage broker and social commentator extraordinaire James L. Lambert. I enjoyed his work so much that I dipped into the archives and found more of his essays on life, the universe and everything. Reading James. L. Lambert is like swimming in a pond that has been contaminated by Dow Chemical Company's runoff for years ... except that the pollutants are actually millions of microscopic molecules of stupid. Before we dive into James' shallow end, let's take a look at a piece of modern poetry ... the lyrical intro to "Home Sweet Home" by Mötley Crüe (stay with me for a minute here):

You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
It doesn't mean they were
Always wrong
Just take this song
and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long and winding road

I'm on my wayWell, I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

I've always been amused by this song, not only because the keyboardist sounds like a first-grader pounding away with one finger on My First Casio, but because the lyrics are so disjointed - yet connected. Whichever member of the band wrote this song is a stream-of-consciousness word processor with dyslexia - loosely rhyming a series of semi-related ideas and making them seem to all make sense.

Such is the world of James L. Lambert:

Recently Jan LaRue, legal counsel for Concerned Women for America, expressed her deep disappointment in the Justice Department's lack of indictments of adult obscenity (hard-core pornography and pornographers) over the last six years. I expressed similar outrage almost two years ago.

With more than two-million porn addresses on the Internet, including some of the most despicable websites involving incest, rape, and adult-child sex, you would think the DOJ would have a field day in prosecuting this material. Yet, along with so many in American culture, leadership in the Justice Department has turned its back on the problem and chosen to ignore the smutty swamp.

So, he's going to write a hard-hitting opinion piece about the failure of America's moral, spiritual and political leaders to address the problems of pornography, right? Fine, well enough ... it's not like I agree that there's a problem - in fact, I LOVE that porn is much more readily available these days than when I was growing up. Not to mention that James brings up a tired old lie - that adult-child porn is actually available online ... Doug Stanhope recently raised this issue, and he is correct when he says that even after years of poring over the most disturbing videos that the Internet has to offer - like Cock Splitting, double fisting, bestiality, shit play, and pretend (?) violence - he has NEVER seen any porn depicting adults having sex with kids. IT ISN'T OUT THERE. Anyway, that's neither here nor there - James has a point of view and he's sticking to it:

Unfortunately the vast majority of America's leaders and Christian spokesmen, many of whom stand in the pulpit on Sunday mornings, cowardly ignore what is happening around them and opt instead to bury their proverbial heads in the sand. Complacency and apathy are the order of the day. May I present for your consideration ...

Case in Point #1: In 2005, only four pastors -- out of a community with more than 1,800 churches -- appeared before a San Diego City Council hearing to defend a 54-year-old historical cross from being torn down by government bureaucrats.

James? Uh, James? What relevance hath this to your "Introductory Paragraph"? Was the cross later used in a a gay porn film, or a performance art life-size re-creation of a Serrano work? Try to stay on topic, okay?

Case in Point #2: In California last fall, a state-wide initiative was placed on the ballot that would have allowed parents to have pre-notification rights if their child requested an abortion. Despite appeals from numerous pro-life groups inside and outside the state, little or no support was heard from the clergy on this measure.

Okay, we're CLOSE to getting back on track. Abortions are HOT.

Case in Point #3: Less than two years ago, Republicans in the U.S. Senate -- despite being the majority party -- could not even muster 50 votes for a constitutional amendment defining marriage solely as the union of a man and a woman. Appeals to Congress from conservative groups like the American Family Association, Focus on the Family, Coral Ridge Ministries, and others did garner substantial support (close to 3.5 million petitions) from the Christian community.

Oh well, he's gone. We've lost him. Putting aside the fact that you actually need a 2/3 majority in both houses of Congress to move a Constitutional amendment forward, and ignoring the idea that there were 3.5 million petitions floating around (if each petition was signed by only 1,800 people, they'd have gotten EVERY HUMAN ON THE PLANET behind it) ... James has flipped his wig, and is babbling on like an evangelical "Benji" from "The Sound and the Fury" (although I don't think Benji spoke ... I'll get back to you on that one). He has two more "cases in point," but they are painful to read and may cause permanent damage to our more sensitive readers. So let's just let him finish...

What has become of America's commitment to moral and even biblical values? Possibly we are too consumed with what other people think. Perhaps our leaders in the pulpit lack the backbone to risk offending anyone. We need to be more concerned with the cost of offending a Holy God, who deeply cares for each of us.

I have that for you right here ... the Cost of Offending a Holy God just went up to $11.63 per sin, despite light early trading. Canadian sins have surpassed American sins in value, though, so let's put in some effort out there.

No Dick, No Dice

Since when did angry butch bitches get the right to preach God's word? That's the question on the lips of OneNewsNow readers today (and every day). Today (just like every other day) they are all pissed off at Katherine Jefferts Schiori, the presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church. She not only has the temerity to possess a vagina, but she also speaks when not spoken to. This is why the Church Of Ike Turner needs to come correct:

The top bishop in the Episcopal Church has made it clear that she supports same-sex unions. A leader among conservative Episcopalians says such a stance illustrates why many people are choosing to leave the American contingent of the worldwide Anglican Communion.

The story goes on to re-hash the whole flap over same-sex unions in the Episcopal Church, and the fact that some guy named Gene in New Hampshire is having sex with a dude while being a Bishop. Of course, the topic of the article doesn't matter to OneNewsNow readers ... because they know it's the Bitchezz that'll git yizz...

My Bible teaches that to be a pastor or church you MUST be a male. Woman have a very important function in the body of Christ, but it is not in a leadership position. Until churches who allow woman pastors put a stop to it and demand that the ones they have step down, God will not be honored in that church because they don't care what Scripture says. [...] For a church to say its OK is putting forth false teaching and needs to be disciplined or cut off. This is not to be done in vengence but for the purpose of reconcilliation.
Posted by Gary Silverman

Yeah, you're just full of love and understanding, Gary.

Tim 2:12 clearly states that God doesn't feel a woman should teach or usurp authority over a man... then He goes on to tell us why. Does this mean that men are superior to women? Of course not! It simply means that everything God does, He does with purpose. He created man for a specific purpose just as He created woman for a specific purpose.

Yes ... women are here to be raped, and men are the grim rapers. This guy's comments are jam packed with gems - he continues:

God created Adam first... what should this tell us about the sociological order that God intended for mankind to follow? And this whole "homosexual" issue. I just can't seem to understand... Anyone with any biblical knowledge (who can rightly divide scripture) understands that homosexuality is sin. Some claim that they were born that way... okay...and? Of the entire male population that is currently walking the face of earth, 100% were born with an inherent nature to lust after women.

I can't even figure out what part to ridicule. It's like an idiocy salad bar without a sneezeguard. But wait, there's more:

Does this mean that since men are born this way that they should simply stop attempting to avoid the lusts of the eyes? God's Word is very easy to read. He doesn't mince words and He repeats Himself often on topics that He knew people would try to discount. Hey, I'm a sinner saved by grace... just like anyone else that will be reigning with Jesus Christ. I'm no Bible scholar and fully understand that I'm no more deserving and no more worthy than the next individual.

This guy is like the evangelical conservative version of Bob Dylan. It can't get any better, right?

Today, 75,000 people across the globe will perish without ever hearing the message of Jesus Christ... and tomorrow it will happen again.

And I have the solution. We start in Africa and the far east, and we brand everyone who will die in the next three months with the phrase "Best if Converted by 1/15/08."

There's more? Really? This guy is the gift that keeps on giving...

At what point will people yield to their own desires and understand that it really isn't about us or what we want? Gal 2:20 - My flesh died the day I accepted Christ... so why would I do anything to please something that's dead?
Posted by Dane Davidson

Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Dane Davidson. Let the record show that he closed on necrophilia.

Can anyone follow Dane's act?

First of all, it is a direct violation of the scriptures for a woman to be a pastor of a church, or to even teach in the church. There is no place in the Bible that has a woman in a leadership position in the church. This woman is a lesbian, which disqualfy's her from being a part of the church; let alone, a pastor of a church. We are headed toward Sodom and Gemorrah. It is no wonder she takes the homosexual stand, even the though the gay lifestyle is full of disease and debauchery.
Posted by Terry Gabrich

I've often decried the poor spelling of Christian homeschoolers ... but one also has to wonder if they fully understand the Secrets Of The Apostrophe. How does that damn thing work, and why? Nobody knows...

I have a 140 pound black labrador retriever that I would like to marry. She's a good companion and I have the right to be happy. Would someone from a Christian church please consider joining us together in matrimony?
Posted by Darryl Gillit

First of all Darryl, you'll have to divorce the donkey. Next, make sure that all of your sexual contact with your Labrador is for procreative purposes only. My guess is that in a few months, she'll pump out a few pups that have your mother's eyes.

As far as I know homosexuality was an abomination unto the Lord.
Posted by Don Gubelman

Yes, but this is NEW IMPROVED! Homosexuality (check out its great new taste). The hot new abomination unto the Lord is actually Funyuns.

First of all, I'm not so sure that God's word in the Bible, would support a woman minister. Second, what Bible does she read or does she just make up what she wants to believe as she goes along. God said it is an abomination. I don't think you can go from that to it's OK and condone same sex marriages. You either believe God's word - all of it, or none of it. You can't play the middle of the road.
Posted by Earl B. Phillips

EARL! My old pal "Earl B. Buggin"!!! I've got to do an Earl retrospective sometime soon...

The leaders in Sodom approved the unnatural lifestyle.Lot's wife looked back and died.Rome and Greece allowed homosexuality and emphasized the human body sensuality over morality.The Koran,Talmud,and Holy Bible condemn homosexuality and sodomy.The curse of AIDS is not known to faithfull heterosexual spouses.If the denomination adds to or takes from the simple truth of Romans 1vs27 etal,then watch God blow their candle out as foretold in Revelation.Quench the Holy Spirit or have the wick quenched by God's Word. His Word will not return void of punishment for the choices people make in denominations or in leadership position.God Help them repent.In Christ,John McIntyre
Posted by John McIntyre

Damn, and I enjoyed him so much on M*A*S*H.

Well, let's all decide what we like in the bible and cut out the parts we don't like or agree with, or, (as is the buzz word today)delete that which is not "politically correct". Let's just all play God and write our own Bible. What is the difference?
Posted by Dianna Penrose

Finally, I agree with someone.

One News WND

I founded this blog way back about a month-and-a-half ago to focus on OneNewsNow.com ... but every once in a while, the World Nut Daily Email Letters Page will publish something so loony that it qualifies for the Pantheon Of One News Lunatic Greatness and must be included. Check out today's fantastically prosaic pile of pfundamentalist poop:

In response to Jason [E-mail to the Editor, Oct. 1] who wants a man to lead. Sorry to burst your bubble, Jason, but women can lead, too. Case in point: If elected president, I would immediately embark on 10 things:

Oh boy - it's a list! I can hardly contain my anticipation.

1. Round up all illegal immigrants standing on corners and bus or fly them back to native homelands.

Can I have the job of designing the flyer for this one? I'm thinking we contract with Jet Blue to be the Official Airline of Street Corner Deportations. The tagline would be something like "Win a Free One-Way International Flight- Stand Here."

2. Have correctional officers immediately identify and organize low-risk prisoners to pick fruits and vegetables.

This isn't already happening?

3. Have all public schools have access to menial jobs, as in the fast food industry, so American teens can do the jobs illegals using fake Social Security numbers have been hijacking.

First of all, let me say that this is shaping up to be one hell of a platform. But it seems to me she could save even more time and money by simply arming all public school kids, and having them walk around exterminating all illegal aliens. That way, they wouldn't have to miss class in order to work the counter at Denny's, and they could learn valuable lessons in gun safety ("Don't lead the old ones so much") and cultural exchange ("He said 'I wash my hands for supper'.").

4. Build a wall between Mexico and USA. Have unemployed Americans build it.

Hey now! The Works Progress Administration is BACK and BETTER THAN EVER. They should go one step further and get all the bricks for the wall from old WPA projects - just go around the country tearing them all down and ship the bricks south.

5. Make caring for disabled, elderly and infirmed a national priority.

I don't know exactly who "infirmed" who, but you shouldn't ever do that to anybody. Frankly, these drains on Social Security should be a national priority - for elimination. Do people realize who many family photos are destroyed every year due to the presence of a child with misshapen chromosomes, or someone so elderly that their spine has taken the shape of a cheetah's? Somebody name Jim Jones the Secretary of Elder and Disability Affairs NOW.

6. Make most public schools vocational schools so our children have a job out of high school instead of wasting another four to eight years at some liberal college where they end up with a menial job anyway.

Looks like somebody's a little bit bitter about graduating cum laude in communications, and getting nothing but an internship at the local morning zoo radio show. How's the waitressing job, anyway?

7. Encourage health and fitness as an alternative to medications.

That fits in quite nicely with your policy of providing massive vocational support to the fast food industry.

8. Limit bureaucracy on all levels. Merge departments. Fire lazy, apathetic individuals who have been playing solitaire on computer instead of their doing jobs.

Whoa! She went and got all CEO on us. I'll start - let's merge the Office of Health and Human Services with the Air Force, the IRS, and the CIA. Then, we'll buy Park Place, pass "Go", and get slammed in the dumper by Ron Jeremy. Problem solved, opportunity gained. And, we'll likely get AIDS and not be a drain on Social Security.

9. Send all spoiled Hollyweirdos to a remote island with liquor, nightclubs and nannies.

She really did box herself in by starting a "Top 10" list. It seems like she ran out of things to say around #4, and she's relying on her "filler" material to round out the list.

10. Ban television and movies. Make reading books, newspapers and websites like WorldNetDaily mandatory.
- Jen Hienz

Thankfully, in Jen's America, I will still be able to enjoy my beloved Internet porn. That's all I really need.

The Bullshit Report

Freedom of Speech is always a tricky subject with religious kooks. They love free speech when one of their nutcase children marches around his school handing out Pentecostal leaflets that tell everyone that gay kids will burn in hell, but they hate free speech when a hip-hop artist sings about some pretty titties. They love free speech when they get to shame young women who are walking into Planned Parenthood clinics, but hate free speech when progressives hold signs that say anti-Christian things like "No War." Despite their self-contradictory love-hate relationships with the First Amendment, perhaps the most amazing aspect of conservative "thought" on this topic is ... they don't understand the concept in the first place.

Witness the witless diatribes of James L. Lambert, a "frequent contributor" to OneNewsNow.com's "Perspectives" columns. He likes to write about "free speech," and that's his right to do so. Hell, based on his extensive expertise on the topic, he should be published far and wide:

James L. Lambert [...] is a licensed nationwide real-estate mortgage loan sales agent. He is licensed with the state of Calif. Department of Real Estate and has a broad background in the real estate lending field. He has worked in various capacities for Crocker National Bank, San Diego Trust and Savings Bank and First Interstate Bank. He has also taught Finance at Mira Costa Community College for 3 years.

Whoa! Stop the presses ... for all of those "lawyers" out there who think that THEY have a monopoly on free-speech interpretation. James Lambert is here to show you what free speechification is all about - it's not just a column, it's a Jumbo with a 5-year-ARM. Anyway, rather than comment on the extraordinary level of retardation that James brings to the "debate" table, I figured I would simply categorize all of his bullshit statements and let them stand on their own two, stupid, chromosomally-deprived feet (his full column is here). Here goes:

UNSUBSTANTIATED STATEMENTS/BASE UNTRUTHS
"Just 60 days ago, liberals representing San Francisco's Board of Supervisors (an elected government body) were just one vote away from censoring radio talk-show host Michael Savage's on-air remarks about pro-illegal alien demonstrators. They charged accused Savage of race and hate speech crimes."

"Leftists agree that their speech should be protected in the public forum. But the speech of conservatives is a different matter."

"The school would not tolerate Minuteman Jim Gilcrest's freedom of speech."

"And on numerous occasions Ahmadinejad has called for the destruction of the United States."

"The radio talk-show host can't order the annihilation of a people, as Ahmadinejad has called for with the Jewish people."

"Admadinejad's regime presents a clear and present danger to the peace of the world. One small suitcase nuclear bomb, if strategically placed, can disrupt the security of the world for generations."

UNWARRANTED COMPARISONS/CONFLATIONS/FALSE CHOICES
"Bollinger and his liberal friends wouldn't "tolerate" the ROTC on their campus -- but they welcome Ahmadinejad with open arms."

"I ask you: With Iran's link to terrorism and this man in power, how safe is the world community? Yet leftists are more anxious to censor the speech of radio talk-show hosts such as Michael Savage."

"Savage is not the leader of a nation. He is a U.S. citizen and is protected by the First Amendment. In contrast, Admadinejad has denied freedom of speech to his opponents; culture police rule urban Iran; and freedom of speech as we know it in America is denied to Iranians."

GENERAL UNMITIGATED STUPIDITY/FALSE CHARACTERIZATIONS
"Is it just me -- or does anyone else see a double standard in how liberals are applying the principle of freedom of speech these days?"

"It was amazing to see all the clamoring among liberals in the last few days regarding Columbia University's offer to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at their university forum."

"I guess liberals have a short memory."

"But these folks on the left seem like they are particularly unclear and uncertain when it comes to free speech."

"I guess liberals don't understand that Michael Savage doesn't have the kind of power that is at the disposal of the president of Iran."

Wow! That's a whole pile of steaming stupid. Frankly, I could spend half the weekend documenting why each of them is ludicrously inaccurate or silly, but what's the point? Trust me, it all comes back to "James just made some shit up." But none of his statements begins to approach the grand prize winning granddaddy of them all, and it deserves some recognition and a response:

"Perhaps they need to read the First Amendment again: 'Congress shall make no law ... prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech ... and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.'"

Thanks, James. Considering you cited no examples of laws enacted to abridge freedom of speech, and no examples of law enforcement officals attempting to enforce a law abridging someone's freedom of speech, I'm presuming that you included this citation to truly drive home the point that you're incapable of making the most basic of intellectual discriminations and connections. I'm also guessing that you have trouble following the recipe for Campbell's "Soup at Hand," and you are often distracted by the instructions to "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" on the back of a shampoo bottle (leading to extra-long showers, and uncomfortable moments of confusion when the shampoo inevitably runs out).

But you're certainly free to talk about those things all you like. It's America.

There's No Vision Like Re-vision

I am generally amused by OneNewsNow's attacks on the teevee industry, but some days are better than others:

The broadcast television time slot once the home of Happy Days and Little House on the Prairie is now nowhere near as family-friendly -- according to the latest "family hour" study from a high-profile TV watchdog group. [...] PTC's Melissa Henson says the continued degradation is a natural extension of decreasing program standards that started in the 1990s. "The family hour really started to break apart in the mid-90s with the introduction of shows like Friends and Mad About You," she explains, noting that such programs "were really geared to a more mature audience and adult audience debuting during the family hour."

"I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans. "

Of course, things were better back in the good old days. Here's some more old-timey nostalgic daydreaming from Ms. Henson:

Prior to that breakdown in standards, she says, those time slots were characterized by programs that families did not have to worry about containing offensive material and could "sit down and safely, comfortably watch together." She cites among those programs such series as Little House on the Prairie, Highway to Heaven, and Touched by an Angel.

Yeah, and don't leave out The Waltons, Flipper, and Gentle Ben. American Prime Time TeeVee was a safe haven for families in the 70's where families could congregate at their TV Dinner trays and share some undercooked tater tots and rubberized Salisbury Steak with their children while watching merry fare that honored the life, death and resurrection of our Lord. That must be why, in 1977, Donald Wildmon (the founder of the AFA - the parent organization of OneNewsNow.com) had this to say:

"One evening in 1977 I sat down with my family to watch TV. On one channel was adultery, on another cursing, on another a man beating another over the head with a hammer. I asked the children to turn off the TV. I sat there, got angry, and said, 'They're going to bring this into my home, and I'm going to do all I can to change it.' I brooded for a while and then came up with a plan for our church to turn off the TV for a week. I sent out a press release and the national media picked up on it. Through that 'Turn Off The TV Week' I learned there were literally millions of other people around the country who felt the same way I did. That was the beginning of the American Family Association."

Of course, Wildmon provided plenty more Nuggets of Intellectual Greatness during the early years of his crusade against satanic television. I found this great report from the Media Coalition that explores the origins of the AFA ... here's a peek:

"Back in my younger days I reached the conclusion that the worst thing that could happen would be to come to the time of death and realize that my life had made no difference," Wildmon said. That night in 1976 as he sat watching television with his family, he found the vehicle for his ambitions. He later claimed that as he switched channels he was unable to find a single show that didn't feature sex, violence, or profanity. Wildmon interpreted this as a calling from God to take up the fight for purer television. The first effort to attract national attention was a campaign called, "Turn the Television Off Week," which targeted mostly southern cities in July 1977. Wildmon claimed that his survey of television programming revealed that 54 per cent of all shows had sexual content. Wildmon said such a high proportion of sexual programming distorted real life. He was also upset that "90 percent" of the sex was adulterous.

He struck out at CBS, accusing it of complicity in the murder of a little girl in Wichita Falls, Texas. The four-year-old was murdered by her mother, who had seen a similar crime committed when CBS broadcast "Exorcist II." "CBS must accept partial blame for her death," Wildmon insisted. "They were an accessory to the murder." An NFD picket outside CBS headquarters in New York carried a sign that insisted: "CBS Controlled by Satan."

So, with all apologies to Ned Flanders, the "Family Hour" appears to be a creative figment of the collective imaginations of "pro-family" radical activists. Not to mention that "Happy Days" (particularly in Season 1) contained a heavy dose of teenage sexual innuendo and in the early days featured a filthy Asian guy (who was, of course, replaced tastefully by the Italian-American On-Cor frozen dinners dude). And who among us didn't want to rip a piece off of this:


"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Readin', wRitin', and Semi-Automatics

I've never owned again. Actually, I've never fired a gun. Okay, I've never held a gun (a real, loaded one). And it's not like I've lived in an ivory tower ... I grew up in Stoughton, MA (otherwise known as "Brockton's outhouse") ... when I was 12 my house was broken into and ransacked ... when I was 13, a kid stuck what looked like a real gun in my face and told me he was stealing my bike - after I damn near shit myself, he then laughed and told me it wasn't real ... I lived in Downtown Boston for 4 years ... now I live in a town adjacent to the city, and the guy two doors down from me got busted for racketeering a few years back. Still, I have never once even considered that I might ever want or need to own a firearm. If I did, I probably would have shot my wife's goddamn cat many years ago.


I just pissed on your couch, asshole.


For some reason, evangelical Christians LOVE guns and can't live without them. They want to carry their guns with them everywhere, because everyone knows that safety begins with a full-armed populace. It's the same principle as in the NHL - they are trying to cut down on fighting this year, so every player is allowed to carry a concealed tire iron. I'm guessing that hockey games will immediately become non-stop love-fests, and penalty minutes will shrivel to nearly zero.


Just don't let Ike Turner loan the Bruins any footwear.

The "final frontier" for the Jesus Gun Club is apparently ... public schools. That's right - a well-armed faculty is a prepared faculty, and they won't take any more shit from that kid in the third row, either:

A high school teacher in southern Oregon is challenging a school district policy that prevents her from carrying a gun on school grounds -- even though she is legally licensed to do so. [...] She is recently divorced and has a restraining order against her ex-husband, and to further protect herself, she has obtained a legal concealed carry permit for her handgun. However, the Medford school district prohibits any guns on school grounds, even by a licensed carrier.

THE BASTARDS! But nobody expresses thinly veiled advocacy-for-profit through feigned outrage about this issue any better than Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America:

Pratt [...] states that if more law-abiding people were armed, there would be fewer people killed in school shootings. His argument is that deranged killers do not pay attention to gun control laws and they certainly do not obey them. "The fact of the matter is, when people have been able to get to their guns, even in schools where there were shootings -- whether it was the Appalachian school of law, the high school in Pearl, Mississippi, or the high school in Edinboro, Pennsylvania - killers were stopped because somebody else had a gun," he says.

You betcha! Larry does leave out the fact that in Edinboro, the student who did the shootings left the school dance hall where the shootings occurred and was no longer a threat to anyone when he was accosted by a shotgun-wielding citizen ... and that the kid in Pearl had also left the building, and it is anyone's guess as to whether he was actually going to continue to another school for further shootings when he was stopped by his armed principal. Ah, never mind the details. Guns equal safety, and we should encourage as many law-abiding citizens to carry them as possible.

Like, for example, in Oregon. The legal age to possess a firearm is 18 - although you can't legally SELL guns to anyone under 21 in Oregon (a curious law ... can you imagine if liquor laws were framed that way?). Frankly, EVERY 18 YEAR OLD in Oregon's public schools should come in packing heat, every day. They can't CONCEAL their weapons until they are 21, but who would want to? Guns will become the new fashion statement for students of legal age ... I would wear mine Flavor Flav-style, a big FUCKED UP gun hanging over my stomach from a huge gold rope chain. Yih, yih, yih.



Of course, the OneNewsNow.com readers completely agree with me:

We already had a ton of gun laws in effect even before Columbine. Gun control doesn't stop the violence - law abiding people with values and firearms do.
Posted by Laura Wright

Right on! Law-abiding people with values but WITHOUT guns ... well, they're just all a big, pussified part of the problem.

If some of the students at VA Tech had not been deprived of their right to carry concealed handguns with their valid and legally obtained permits there might not have been near as many deaths. The dean of VA Tech indicted in news interviews he was glad the school had kept other students from being able to excercise their legally obtained privileges. If you happen to find yourself in a similiar situation would you like the ablity to protect yourself and or your family or other people dear to you?
Posted by Scott Cox

Absolutely. And wouldn't it have been cool if, after the shooter started on his rampage, a bunch of other VT students whipped out their weapons and started firing? And better still, what if people couldn't tell who was a deranged shooter and who was playing "Die Hard," since college kids usually don't attend class in police uniforms? Wouldn't it have been great if the entire campus degenerated into a big free-fire zone? The ex-guardsmen who shot up Kent State would have been forced to bow their heads in TOTAL RESPECT to the gunmen of VT Kill Crazy Bullet Orgy 2006.

And hey, I may not own a gun, but I do hire a Ninja on weekends.

Army of Darkness

Perhaps no greater hypocritical inconsistency was ever expressed than this from the character of Colonel Kurtz in "Apocalypse Now":

We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene.

The United States armed forces has always been mighty concerned about all aspects of morality, with the exception of small tidbits like "collateral damage." Of course, one would NEVER expect that soldiers could possibly be allowed to view pornographic materials in This Man's Army. I mean, God only knows what might happen if those floodgates were ever opened:







Despite all of the horrific consequences that our doe-eyed, innocent fighting men and women would face if they were subjected to nudie pictures every now and again, the US Military has launched an all-out attack against God The Creator Himself, with their plan to sell Playboy and other magazines in base PX's:

A Christian advocacy group is encouraging military families, and other concerned citizens, to write letters to the Defense Department expressing concern over the recent decision by the Pentagon that allows the sale of certain adult magazines at military exchanges.

The Military Honor and Decency Act was passed by Congress and prohibits sexually explicit material from being sold on Defense Department property. However, it is up to a department review board to determine what material is considered explicit, and it has ruled that magazines like Playboy and Penthouse can be sold at military exchanges.

Hell, we're stationed in the Middle East already ... why not re-create Sodom and Gomorrah all over again? OneNewsNow's concerned readers weigh in on the subject:

This is especially interesting in light of the
removal and destruction of "religious" material
from jail and/or prison libraries.
How ludicrous to insinuate that "religious"
media material would cause more problems
than any type of pornography.
Posted by Star Stuart

Yeah. Prisons don't have enough Bibles. You nailed it, Star.

As a mother of a newly enlisted Marine, I am not too pleased to hear about this decision. I've been monitoring computers for quite some time now. Why is pornogoraphy in any shape or form necessary any where? I feel they should have other issues on their minds than this. Perhaps they could read their bibles instead and read and reread about Soddom and Gommorrah, exactly what this world is becoming.
Posted by Carol

Carol, I'm wondering what would cause your son to voluntarily enlist in the Marines ... the fact that you monitored his computer use, or your continuous insistence that he read his Bible at bedtime. I'll go with both.

To take a wonderful human being and turn her into a sex object. How evil. Even the taliban has respect for the sacredness of the female body.
Posted by MJ

So, in order to "respect" something, we must hide it from view completely and act like it doesn't exist. Evidently, when the Kennedy family locked away their mongoloid kid and had him lobotomized, it was out of "respect."

But the Gem of the Day goes to...

I hypothesize that porn is a leading cause to the rise of sexual assaults being experienced in the military. The DOD has a duty to put in place policies that prohibit the sale of porn on military installations, the viewing of porn on military installations, and to educate soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines of the harmful effects of porn. This is no different than alcohol abuse or drug abuse.
Posted by Barry Wright

Nice hypothesis, Barry. Back when I was a behavior analyst, I hypothesized that porn actually REDUCED the overall incidence of rape and sexual assault. Since I was naturally curious to learn whether or not my hypothesis was true, I decided to do what's called "research" (which, surprisingly, does not involve memorizing Biblical verses). Although there is a limited amount of information available on the topic, my favorite study was done on Porn and Sexual Assault in Japan. A few nuggets from this well-crafted article:

Presently in Japan, sexually explicit video tapes, books, and magazines which cater to all sorts of erotic interests and fetishes are readily available. These include sexually obvious manga without age restrictions as to availability. Phone booths in commercial areas and city newspapers contain advertisements for sexual liaisons of every sort. However, this availability of modern pornography is relatively new. Essentially since the end of World War II with the imposition of American military rules, which lasted until 1951, there was prohibition of any sexually explicit material. This continued under the Japanese government into the late 1980s; images or depictions of frontal nudity were banned as were pictures of pubic hair or genitals. No sex act could be depicted graphically.

The situation began to change markedly at the turn of the present decade. While the laws themselves were not modified, interpretation of them changed. Judges during this period became increasingly liberal allowing more pornography of wider scope to be considered "not obscene." Concomitantly with this, as the widely reported uproar regarding a case of rape by American servicemen of a young Okinawan girl in 1995 might reflect, this crime is taken quite seriously in Japan (Anonymous, 1995). Analysis, thus, particularly of the years covering this last decade of rapid change, seemed of value.

Aw, jeez. More Americans raping foreign nationals. That is one horny fighting force! Anyhoo...

This present study concentrates on the offenses of Rape, Sexual assault and Public indecency in Japan and analyzes how their occurrence correlates with the increasing availability of pornography. [...] We particularly attend to any influence the introduction of widely available pornography might have had on juveniles.

[...]

Despite the absence of evidence, the myth persists that an abundance of sexual explicit material invariably leads to an abundance of sexual activity and eventually rape (e.g., Liebert, Neale, & Davison, 1973). Indeed, the data we report and review suggests the opposite. Christensen (1990) argues that to prove that available pornography leads to sex crimes one must at least find a positive temporal correlation between the two. The absence of any positive correlation in our findings, and from results elsewhere, between an increase in available pornography and the incidence of rape or other sex crime, is prima facie evidence that no link exists.

I highly recommend that everyone - most especially Barry - check out the whole paper. See, now that I have read this "study," I can actually feel more confident in my belief that the availability of pornography may reduce the likelihood of violent sex crime. Hell, it may even reduce the occurrence of hot liaisons between comrades in their foxholes.


"The Horror."

Devout Christians Defend Traditional Asses

If there were an 11th Commandment, it would be "Thou Shalt Not Mess With The Ass." Normally, Christians feverishly protect the male ass from external intrusion, but lately they have been branching out into the world of female ass advocacy. Our friends at OneNewsNow.com detail a particularly putrid perversion of that which God made and no man shall put asunder:

CKE Restaurants' Patty Melt "flat buns" ad for its Carl's Jr. and Hardee's Restaurants has been pulled and re-edited to remove a teacher who danced atop her desk in a classroom while pointing out her flat derriere -- the subject of rapping hip-hoppers in her classroom [...] Bill Johnson of American Decency Association says problems like this are why the Bible commands Christians to be salt and light in the culture.

Here is the offending ad, for which we should immediately invoke Sharia law and have the model stoned, beaten and raped (though not necessarily in that order):



Of course, the fine OneNewsNow readers have their say on the matter:

I have to agree. I disconnected my television for 15 years. Now that our son is grown, married and on his own, I have reconnected it. I am on the verge of a complete disconnection at this rate. I cannot understand the commercial advertisors. I realize that all they are interested in is the money, but at the expense of our children? The commercials that degrade children or create images of them as bullies and mean people is outrageous as well as those mentioned in this article of sex inuendos!! I am sick of it!!!
Posted by Lynn

Lynn - please re-connect your "speak & spell" while you are at it.

I watched a cartoon with my grandchild one Saturday morning and was appalled to see the SUPERHERO backhand a young woman, knocking her across the room! Some message to be presenting to young boys and girls...
Posted by Jane Sullivan

Jane - why are you watching "The Adventures of Pimpman and Cracky" anyway?

i could not agree more. i'm as much offended by the commercials any more as i am on any & most tv programs. i asked when did hamburgers and sex end up in the same sentence. the Dairy Queen some of have had the same enuendo's.
Posted by sue sopala

People have sex without hamburgers?

It's a wild world.