Thursday, October 4, 2007

No Dick, No Dice

Since when did angry butch bitches get the right to preach God's word? That's the question on the lips of OneNewsNow readers today (and every day). Today (just like every other day) they are all pissed off at Katherine Jefferts Schiori, the presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church. She not only has the temerity to possess a vagina, but she also speaks when not spoken to. This is why the Church Of Ike Turner needs to come correct:

The top bishop in the Episcopal Church has made it clear that she supports same-sex unions. A leader among conservative Episcopalians says such a stance illustrates why many people are choosing to leave the American contingent of the worldwide Anglican Communion.

The story goes on to re-hash the whole flap over same-sex unions in the Episcopal Church, and the fact that some guy named Gene in New Hampshire is having sex with a dude while being a Bishop. Of course, the topic of the article doesn't matter to OneNewsNow readers ... because they know it's the Bitchezz that'll git yizz...

My Bible teaches that to be a pastor or church you MUST be a male. Woman have a very important function in the body of Christ, but it is not in a leadership position. Until churches who allow woman pastors put a stop to it and demand that the ones they have step down, God will not be honored in that church because they don't care what Scripture says. [...] For a church to say its OK is putting forth false teaching and needs to be disciplined or cut off. This is not to be done in vengence but for the purpose of reconcilliation.
Posted by Gary Silverman

Yeah, you're just full of love and understanding, Gary.

Tim 2:12 clearly states that God doesn't feel a woman should teach or usurp authority over a man... then He goes on to tell us why. Does this mean that men are superior to women? Of course not! It simply means that everything God does, He does with purpose. He created man for a specific purpose just as He created woman for a specific purpose.

Yes ... women are here to be raped, and men are the grim rapers. This guy's comments are jam packed with gems - he continues:

God created Adam first... what should this tell us about the sociological order that God intended for mankind to follow? And this whole "homosexual" issue. I just can't seem to understand... Anyone with any biblical knowledge (who can rightly divide scripture) understands that homosexuality is sin. Some claim that they were born that way... okay...and? Of the entire male population that is currently walking the face of earth, 100% were born with an inherent nature to lust after women.

I can't even figure out what part to ridicule. It's like an idiocy salad bar without a sneezeguard. But wait, there's more:
Does this mean that since men are born this way that they should simply stop attempting to avoid the lusts of the eyes? God's Word is very easy to read. He doesn't mince words and He repeats Himself often on topics that He knew people would try to discount. Hey, I'm a sinner saved by grace... just like anyone else that will be reigning with Jesus Christ. I'm no Bible scholar and fully understand that I'm no more deserving and no more worthy than the next individual.

This guy is like the evangelical conservative version of Bob Dylan. It can't get any better, right?
Today, 75,000 people across the globe will perish without ever hearing the message of Jesus Christ... and tomorrow it will happen again.

And I have the solution. We start in Africa and the far east, and we brand everyone who will die in the next three months with the phrase "Best if Converted by 1/15/08."

There's more? Really? This guy is the gift that keeps on giving...
At what point will people yield to their own desires and understand that it really isn't about us or what we want? Gal 2:20 - My flesh died the day I accepted Christ... so why would I do anything to please something that's dead?
Posted by Dane Davidson

Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Dane Davidson. Let the record show that he closed on necrophilia.

Can anyone follow Dane's act?

First of all, it is a direct violation of the scriptures for a woman to be a pastor of a church, or to even teach in the church. There is no place in the Bible that has a woman in a leadership position in the church. This woman is a lesbian, which disqualfy's her from being a part of the church; let alone, a pastor of a church. We are headed toward Sodom and Gemorrah. It is no wonder she takes the homosexual stand, even the though the gay lifestyle is full of disease and debauchery.
Posted by Terry Gabrich

I've often decried the poor spelling of Christian homeschoolers ... but one also has to wonder if they fully understand the Secrets Of The Apostrophe. How does that damn thing work, and why? Nobody knows...
I have a 140 pound black labrador retriever that I would like to marry. She's a good companion and I have the right to be happy. Would someone from a Christian church please consider joining us together in matrimony?
Posted by Darryl Gillit

First of all Darryl, you'll have to divorce the donkey. Next, make sure that all of your sexual contact with your Labrador is for procreative purposes only. My guess is that in a few months, she'll pump out a few pups that have your mother's eyes.
As far as I know homosexuality was an abomination unto the Lord.
Posted by Don Gubelman

Yes, but this is NEW IMPROVED! Homosexuality (check out its great new taste). The hot new abomination unto the Lord is actually Funyuns.
First of all, I'm not so sure that God's word in the Bible, would support a woman minister. Second, what Bible does she read or does she just make up what she wants to believe as she goes along. God said it is an abomination. I don't think you can go from that to it's OK and condone same sex marriages. You either believe God's word - all of it, or none of it. You can't play the middle of the road.
Posted by Earl B. Phillips

EARL! My old pal "Earl B. Buggin"!!! I've got to do an Earl retrospective sometime soon...

The leaders in Sodom approved the unnatural lifestyle.Lot's wife looked back and died.Rome and Greece allowed homosexuality and emphasized the human body sensuality over morality.The Koran,Talmud,and Holy Bible condemn homosexuality and sodomy.The curse of AIDS is not known to faithfull heterosexual spouses.If the denomination adds to or takes from the simple truth of Romans 1vs27 etal,then watch God blow their candle out as foretold in Revelation.Quench the Holy Spirit or have the wick quenched by God's Word. His Word will not return void of punishment for the choices people make in denominations or in leadership position.God Help them repent.In Christ,John McIntyre
Posted by John McIntyre

Damn, and I enjoyed him so much on M*A*S*H.

Well, let's all decide what we like in the bible and cut out the parts we don't like or agree with, or, (as is the buzz word today)delete that which is not "politically correct". Let's just all play God and write our own Bible. What is the difference?
Posted by Dianna Penrose

Finally, I agree with someone.


Carl said...

Let's just all play God and write our own Bible. What is the difference?
Posted by Dianna Penrose

Errrrrrrrrrrrr, ummmmmmmm, Diana?

We already did, hon.

KEvron said...

bitches, man....