Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Quick WNDiversion

I just got back from a trip to the World Nut Daily edge of the universe, where they are taking right-wing media circle-jerking to stratospheric heights. Check this out:

Chuck Norris' Newest Honda Commercial
'Tough Meets Classy' capitalizes on actor's legendary persona

The commercial opens in an elegant restaurant. Coffee is being poured into fine China. A harpist is softly playing "Greensleeves" in the background. Well-dressed and smiling ladies are gently conversing. In walks a dirty-faced Chuck Norris clad in a black vest with black-gloved clenched fists at his side – surveying the room with suspicious eyes.

Yes, you're correct. WND is posting an article about the new teevee commercial made by Chuck Norris. F'real.

"Tough meets classy," says the announcer. "The stylish, 4-door Ridgeline, built by Honda."

It's the latest TV ad featuring Chuck Norris, the martial-arts star cum movie start cum Internet "facts" legend cum WND commentator.

Not only is Chuck Norris a secret weapon for Madison Avenue. He's also a secret weapon on the political landscape – using his most recent exclusive commentary in WND to endorse dark-horse presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas.

I have to admit, I did enjoy their use of the word "cum" in the article.

Chuck Norris has been writing his weekly column exclusively for WND since Oct. 23, 2006. The star of "Walker: Texas Ranger" and some of the biggest action pictures ever, Chuck Norris has talking to a new generation these days as part of an Internet craze for one-liners usually labeled not as jokes but as "facts."

Here are some samples:

"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there."

"They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for Chuck's beard."

"Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink."

"Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that 'Law & Order' are the names of his left and right legs."

Wow. That's some Comedy Gold, as Mr. KEvron is fond of saying. What about "Chuck Norris is so tough, he can stuff Osama INTO a bin ... Laden" or "Chuck Norris can stop the AIDS epidemic by bending over and enticing queers to fuck his beautiful ass, and then clenching up his butt cheeks and ripping their dicks off" (apologies to Eddie Murphy), or "If Chuck Norris were in Little Rock 50 years ago, he's have thrown those coons off the roof of the school and they would have landed right back in their negroid classroom chairs where they belonged." Chuck Norris jokes ... always funny.

The article continues with a fawning biography that extolls the virtues or All Things Chuck, although it fails to mention that he was successful in siphoning millions of dollars from vulnerable fat people through his successful advertising campaign for a useless exercise machine (an item with the sole apparent purpose of providing a weather-beaten Christie Brinkley with an inclined surface upon which to spread her legs once more for the millions of past-it guys who think there might be something at the end of the rainbow other than the barren, cobwebbed cave that used to be her vagina - before it sucked the life out of Billy Joel and countless other men who wound up in rehabilitation after realizing that they had given half their fortunes to a brainless cyborg whose idea of creativity is the album cover for "River of Dreams" - but I digress).

It's an "article" about an advertisement featuring a guy who writes articles for the "news" source that published the article. In the end, it's one more step toward the late, great Bill Hicks' vision for advertising in America:

The ad begins with a naked woman sitting on a barstool ... she spreads her legs slowly to reveal her hairless vagina ... she strokes her pussy and throws back her head in rapture ... and then, just as the commercial is about to close, these words appear on the screen ... "Drink Coke."


Carl said...

"Tough meets classy," says the announcer. "The stylish, 4-door Ridgeline, built by Honda."

Well, them old broads with their china only look tough...

Anonymous said...

Hey, sounds like a better world to me. If I could jerk off to commercials, I might still watch TV.

Fantod said...

Here's a substitute for the legs joke.

"Chuck Norris is currently suing the Cumberland Packing Corporation, claiming that 'Sweet'N Low' are the names of his left and right testicles."

Hmmm. my word verification is "jisiz." Someone get all this Chuck Norris cum off my computer!

vesti said...

"When Chuck fertilizes an egg, the remaining spermatozoa surround it and kick the shit out of any pussy-assed morning-after pill. Then they stand guard for 9 months, ready to disintegrate any abortionist's tools that dare invade."

Fantod said...

"Chuck is now banned from the Statue of Liberty because after he was inside her last she stood bow-legged for a week."