The Bullshit Report

Freedom of Speech is always a tricky subject with religious kooks. They love free speech when one of their nutcase children marches around his school handing out Pentecostal leaflets that tell everyone that gay kids will burn in hell, but they hate free speech when a hip-hop artist sings about some pretty titties. They love free speech when they get to shame young women who are walking into Planned Parenthood clinics, but hate free speech when progressives hold signs that say anti-Christian things like "No War." Despite their self-contradictory love-hate relationships with the First Amendment, perhaps the most amazing aspect of conservative "thought" on this topic is ... they don't understand the concept in the first place.

Witness the witless diatribes of James L. Lambert, a "frequent contributor" to OneNewsNow.com's "Perspectives" columns. He likes to write about "free speech," and that's his right to do so. Hell, based on his extensive expertise on the topic, he should be published far and wide:

James L. Lambert [...] is a licensed nationwide real-estate mortgage loan sales agent. He is licensed with the state of Calif. Department of Real Estate and has a broad background in the real estate lending field. He has worked in various capacities for Crocker National Bank, San Diego Trust and Savings Bank and First Interstate Bank. He has also taught Finance at Mira Costa Community College for 3 years.

Whoa! Stop the presses ... for all of those "lawyers" out there who think that THEY have a monopoly on free-speech interpretation. James Lambert is here to show you what free speechification is all about - it's not just a column, it's a Jumbo with a 5-year-ARM. Anyway, rather than comment on the extraordinary level of retardation that James brings to the "debate" table, I figured I would simply categorize all of his bullshit statements and let them stand on their own two, stupid, chromosomally-deprived feet (his full column is here). Here goes:

UNSUBSTANTIATED STATEMENTS/BASE UNTRUTHS
"Just 60 days ago, liberals representing San Francisco's Board of Supervisors (an elected government body) were just one vote away from censoring radio talk-show host Michael Savage's on-air remarks about pro-illegal alien demonstrators. They charged accused Savage of race and hate speech crimes."

"Leftists agree that their speech should be protected in the public forum. But the speech of conservatives is a different matter."

"The school would not tolerate Minuteman Jim Gilcrest's freedom of speech."

"And on numerous occasions Ahmadinejad has called for the destruction of the United States."

"The radio talk-show host can't order the annihilation of a people, as Ahmadinejad has called for with the Jewish people."

"Admadinejad's regime presents a clear and present danger to the peace of the world. One small suitcase nuclear bomb, if strategically placed, can disrupt the security of the world for generations."

UNWARRANTED COMPARISONS/CONFLATIONS/FALSE CHOICES
"Bollinger and his liberal friends wouldn't "tolerate" the ROTC on their campus -- but they welcome Ahmadinejad with open arms."

"I ask you: With Iran's link to terrorism and this man in power, how safe is the world community? Yet leftists are more anxious to censor the speech of radio talk-show hosts such as Michael Savage."

"Savage is not the leader of a nation. He is a U.S. citizen and is protected by the First Amendment. In contrast, Admadinejad has denied freedom of speech to his opponents; culture police rule urban Iran; and freedom of speech as we know it in America is denied to Iranians."

GENERAL UNMITIGATED STUPIDITY/FALSE CHARACTERIZATIONS
"Is it just me -- or does anyone else see a double standard in how liberals are applying the principle of freedom of speech these days?"

"It was amazing to see all the clamoring among liberals in the last few days regarding Columbia University's offer to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at their university forum."

"I guess liberals have a short memory."

"But these folks on the left seem like they are particularly unclear and uncertain when it comes to free speech."

"I guess liberals don't understand that Michael Savage doesn't have the kind of power that is at the disposal of the president of Iran."

Wow! That's a whole pile of steaming stupid. Frankly, I could spend half the weekend documenting why each of them is ludicrously inaccurate or silly, but what's the point? Trust me, it all comes back to "James just made some shit up." But none of his statements begins to approach the grand prize winning granddaddy of them all, and it deserves some recognition and a response:

"Perhaps they need to read the First Amendment again: 'Congress shall make no law ... prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech ... and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.'"

Thanks, James. Considering you cited no examples of laws enacted to abridge freedom of speech, and no examples of law enforcement officals attempting to enforce a law abridging someone's freedom of speech, I'm presuming that you included this citation to truly drive home the point that you're incapable of making the most basic of intellectual discriminations and connections. I'm also guessing that you have trouble following the recipe for Campbell's "Soup at Hand," and you are often distracted by the instructions to "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" on the back of a shampoo bottle (leading to extra-long showers, and uncomfortable moments of confusion when the shampoo inevitably runs out).

But you're certainly free to talk about those things all you like. It's America.

There's No Vision Like Re-vision

I am generally amused by OneNewsNow's attacks on the teevee industry, but some days are better than others:

The broadcast television time slot once the home of Happy Days and Little House on the Prairie is now nowhere near as family-friendly -- according to the latest "family hour" study from a high-profile TV watchdog group. [...] PTC's Melissa Henson says the continued degradation is a natural extension of decreasing program standards that started in the 1990s. "The family hour really started to break apart in the mid-90s with the introduction of shows like Friends and Mad About You," she explains, noting that such programs "were really geared to a more mature audience and adult audience debuting during the family hour."

"I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans. "

Of course, things were better back in the good old days. Here's some more old-timey nostalgic daydreaming from Ms. Henson:

Prior to that breakdown in standards, she says, those time slots were characterized by programs that families did not have to worry about containing offensive material and could "sit down and safely, comfortably watch together." She cites among those programs such series as Little House on the Prairie, Highway to Heaven, and Touched by an Angel.

Yeah, and don't leave out The Waltons, Flipper, and Gentle Ben. American Prime Time TeeVee was a safe haven for families in the 70's where families could congregate at their TV Dinner trays and share some undercooked tater tots and rubberized Salisbury Steak with their children while watching merry fare that honored the life, death and resurrection of our Lord. That must be why, in 1977, Donald Wildmon (the founder of the AFA - the parent organization of OneNewsNow.com) had this to say:

"One evening in 1977 I sat down with my family to watch TV. On one channel was adultery, on another cursing, on another a man beating another over the head with a hammer. I asked the children to turn off the TV. I sat there, got angry, and said, 'They're going to bring this into my home, and I'm going to do all I can to change it.' I brooded for a while and then came up with a plan for our church to turn off the TV for a week. I sent out a press release and the national media picked up on it. Through that 'Turn Off The TV Week' I learned there were literally millions of other people around the country who felt the same way I did. That was the beginning of the American Family Association."

Of course, Wildmon provided plenty more Nuggets of Intellectual Greatness during the early years of his crusade against satanic television. I found this great report from the Media Coalition that explores the origins of the AFA ... here's a peek:

"Back in my younger days I reached the conclusion that the worst thing that could happen would be to come to the time of death and realize that my life had made no difference," Wildmon said. That night in 1976 as he sat watching television with his family, he found the vehicle for his ambitions. He later claimed that as he switched channels he was unable to find a single show that didn't feature sex, violence, or profanity. Wildmon interpreted this as a calling from God to take up the fight for purer television. The first effort to attract national attention was a campaign called, "Turn the Television Off Week," which targeted mostly southern cities in July 1977. Wildmon claimed that his survey of television programming revealed that 54 per cent of all shows had sexual content. Wildmon said such a high proportion of sexual programming distorted real life. He was also upset that "90 percent" of the sex was adulterous.

He struck out at CBS, accusing it of complicity in the murder of a little girl in Wichita Falls, Texas. The four-year-old was murdered by her mother, who had seen a similar crime committed when CBS broadcast "Exorcist II." "CBS must accept partial blame for her death," Wildmon insisted. "They were an accessory to the murder." An NFD picket outside CBS headquarters in New York carried a sign that insisted: "CBS Controlled by Satan."

So, with all apologies to Ned Flanders, the "Family Hour" appears to be a creative figment of the collective imaginations of "pro-family" radical activists. Not to mention that "Happy Days" (particularly in Season 1) contained a heavy dose of teenage sexual innuendo and in the early days featured a filthy Asian guy (who was, of course, replaced tastefully by the Italian-American On-Cor frozen dinners dude). And who among us didn't want to rip a piece off of this:


"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Readin', wRitin', and Semi-Automatics

I've never owned again. Actually, I've never fired a gun. Okay, I've never held a gun (a real, loaded one). And it's not like I've lived in an ivory tower ... I grew up in Stoughton, MA (otherwise known as "Brockton's outhouse") ... when I was 12 my house was broken into and ransacked ... when I was 13, a kid stuck what looked like a real gun in my face and told me he was stealing my bike - after I damn near shit myself, he then laughed and told me it wasn't real ... I lived in Downtown Boston for 4 years ... now I live in a town adjacent to the city, and the guy two doors down from me got busted for racketeering a few years back. Still, I have never once even considered that I might ever want or need to own a firearm. If I did, I probably would have shot my wife's goddamn cat many years ago.


I just pissed on your couch, asshole.


For some reason, evangelical Christians LOVE guns and can't live without them. They want to carry their guns with them everywhere, because everyone knows that safety begins with a full-armed populace. It's the same principle as in the NHL - they are trying to cut down on fighting this year, so every player is allowed to carry a concealed tire iron. I'm guessing that hockey games will immediately become non-stop love-fests, and penalty minutes will shrivel to nearly zero.


Just don't let Ike Turner loan the Bruins any footwear.

The "final frontier" for the Jesus Gun Club is apparently ... public schools. That's right - a well-armed faculty is a prepared faculty, and they won't take any more shit from that kid in the third row, either:

A high school teacher in southern Oregon is challenging a school district policy that prevents her from carrying a gun on school grounds -- even though she is legally licensed to do so. [...] She is recently divorced and has a restraining order against her ex-husband, and to further protect herself, she has obtained a legal concealed carry permit for her handgun. However, the Medford school district prohibits any guns on school grounds, even by a licensed carrier.

THE BASTARDS! But nobody expresses thinly veiled advocacy-for-profit through feigned outrage about this issue any better than Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America:

Pratt [...] states that if more law-abiding people were armed, there would be fewer people killed in school shootings. His argument is that deranged killers do not pay attention to gun control laws and they certainly do not obey them. "The fact of the matter is, when people have been able to get to their guns, even in schools where there were shootings -- whether it was the Appalachian school of law, the high school in Pearl, Mississippi, or the high school in Edinboro, Pennsylvania - killers were stopped because somebody else had a gun," he says.

You betcha! Larry does leave out the fact that in Edinboro, the student who did the shootings left the school dance hall where the shootings occurred and was no longer a threat to anyone when he was accosted by a shotgun-wielding citizen ... and that the kid in Pearl had also left the building, and it is anyone's guess as to whether he was actually going to continue to another school for further shootings when he was stopped by his armed principal. Ah, never mind the details. Guns equal safety, and we should encourage as many law-abiding citizens to carry them as possible.

Like, for example, in Oregon. The legal age to possess a firearm is 18 - although you can't legally SELL guns to anyone under 21 in Oregon (a curious law ... can you imagine if liquor laws were framed that way?). Frankly, EVERY 18 YEAR OLD in Oregon's public schools should come in packing heat, every day. They can't CONCEAL their weapons until they are 21, but who would want to? Guns will become the new fashion statement for students of legal age ... I would wear mine Flavor Flav-style, a big FUCKED UP gun hanging over my stomach from a huge gold rope chain. Yih, yih, yih.



Of course, the OneNewsNow.com readers completely agree with me:

We already had a ton of gun laws in effect even before Columbine. Gun control doesn't stop the violence - law abiding people with values and firearms do.
Posted by Laura Wright

Right on! Law-abiding people with values but WITHOUT guns ... well, they're just all a big, pussified part of the problem.

If some of the students at VA Tech had not been deprived of their right to carry concealed handguns with their valid and legally obtained permits there might not have been near as many deaths. The dean of VA Tech indicted in news interviews he was glad the school had kept other students from being able to excercise their legally obtained privileges. If you happen to find yourself in a similiar situation would you like the ablity to protect yourself and or your family or other people dear to you?
Posted by Scott Cox

Absolutely. And wouldn't it have been cool if, after the shooter started on his rampage, a bunch of other VT students whipped out their weapons and started firing? And better still, what if people couldn't tell who was a deranged shooter and who was playing "Die Hard," since college kids usually don't attend class in police uniforms? Wouldn't it have been great if the entire campus degenerated into a big free-fire zone? The ex-guardsmen who shot up Kent State would have been forced to bow their heads in TOTAL RESPECT to the gunmen of VT Kill Crazy Bullet Orgy 2006.

And hey, I may not own a gun, but I do hire a Ninja on weekends.

Army of Darkness

Perhaps no greater hypocritical inconsistency was ever expressed than this from the character of Colonel Kurtz in "Apocalypse Now":

We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene.

The United States armed forces has always been mighty concerned about all aspects of morality, with the exception of small tidbits like "collateral damage." Of course, one would NEVER expect that soldiers could possibly be allowed to view pornographic materials in This Man's Army. I mean, God only knows what might happen if those floodgates were ever opened:







Despite all of the horrific consequences that our doe-eyed, innocent fighting men and women would face if they were subjected to nudie pictures every now and again, the US Military has launched an all-out attack against God The Creator Himself, with their plan to sell Playboy and other magazines in base PX's:

A Christian advocacy group is encouraging military families, and other concerned citizens, to write letters to the Defense Department expressing concern over the recent decision by the Pentagon that allows the sale of certain adult magazines at military exchanges.

The Military Honor and Decency Act was passed by Congress and prohibits sexually explicit material from being sold on Defense Department property. However, it is up to a department review board to determine what material is considered explicit, and it has ruled that magazines like Playboy and Penthouse can be sold at military exchanges.

Hell, we're stationed in the Middle East already ... why not re-create Sodom and Gomorrah all over again? OneNewsNow's concerned readers weigh in on the subject:

This is especially interesting in light of the
removal and destruction of "religious" material
from jail and/or prison libraries.
How ludicrous to insinuate that "religious"
media material would cause more problems
than any type of pornography.
Posted by Star Stuart

Yeah. Prisons don't have enough Bibles. You nailed it, Star.

As a mother of a newly enlisted Marine, I am not too pleased to hear about this decision. I've been monitoring computers for quite some time now. Why is pornogoraphy in any shape or form necessary any where? I feel they should have other issues on their minds than this. Perhaps they could read their bibles instead and read and reread about Soddom and Gommorrah, exactly what this world is becoming.
Posted by Carol

Carol, I'm wondering what would cause your son to voluntarily enlist in the Marines ... the fact that you monitored his computer use, or your continuous insistence that he read his Bible at bedtime. I'll go with both.

To take a wonderful human being and turn her into a sex object. How evil. Even the taliban has respect for the sacredness of the female body.
Posted by MJ

So, in order to "respect" something, we must hide it from view completely and act like it doesn't exist. Evidently, when the Kennedy family locked away their mongoloid kid and had him lobotomized, it was out of "respect."

But the Gem of the Day goes to...

I hypothesize that porn is a leading cause to the rise of sexual assaults being experienced in the military. The DOD has a duty to put in place policies that prohibit the sale of porn on military installations, the viewing of porn on military installations, and to educate soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines of the harmful effects of porn. This is no different than alcohol abuse or drug abuse.
Posted by Barry Wright

Nice hypothesis, Barry. Back when I was a behavior analyst, I hypothesized that porn actually REDUCED the overall incidence of rape and sexual assault. Since I was naturally curious to learn whether or not my hypothesis was true, I decided to do what's called "research" (which, surprisingly, does not involve memorizing Biblical verses). Although there is a limited amount of information available on the topic, my favorite study was done on Porn and Sexual Assault in Japan. A few nuggets from this well-crafted article:

Presently in Japan, sexually explicit video tapes, books, and magazines which cater to all sorts of erotic interests and fetishes are readily available. These include sexually obvious manga without age restrictions as to availability. Phone booths in commercial areas and city newspapers contain advertisements for sexual liaisons of every sort. However, this availability of modern pornography is relatively new. Essentially since the end of World War II with the imposition of American military rules, which lasted until 1951, there was prohibition of any sexually explicit material. This continued under the Japanese government into the late 1980s; images or depictions of frontal nudity were banned as were pictures of pubic hair or genitals. No sex act could be depicted graphically.

The situation began to change markedly at the turn of the present decade. While the laws themselves were not modified, interpretation of them changed. Judges during this period became increasingly liberal allowing more pornography of wider scope to be considered "not obscene." Concomitantly with this, as the widely reported uproar regarding a case of rape by American servicemen of a young Okinawan girl in 1995 might reflect, this crime is taken quite seriously in Japan (Anonymous, 1995). Analysis, thus, particularly of the years covering this last decade of rapid change, seemed of value.

Aw, jeez. More Americans raping foreign nationals. That is one horny fighting force! Anyhoo...

This present study concentrates on the offenses of Rape, Sexual assault and Public indecency in Japan and analyzes how their occurrence correlates with the increasing availability of pornography. [...] We particularly attend to any influence the introduction of widely available pornography might have had on juveniles.

[...]

Despite the absence of evidence, the myth persists that an abundance of sexual explicit material invariably leads to an abundance of sexual activity and eventually rape (e.g., Liebert, Neale, & Davison, 1973). Indeed, the data we report and review suggests the opposite. Christensen (1990) argues that to prove that available pornography leads to sex crimes one must at least find a positive temporal correlation between the two. The absence of any positive correlation in our findings, and from results elsewhere, between an increase in available pornography and the incidence of rape or other sex crime, is prima facie evidence that no link exists.

I highly recommend that everyone - most especially Barry - check out the whole paper. See, now that I have read this "study," I can actually feel more confident in my belief that the availability of pornography may reduce the likelihood of violent sex crime. Hell, it may even reduce the occurrence of hot liaisons between comrades in their foxholes.


"The Horror."

Devout Christians Defend Traditional Asses

If there were an 11th Commandment, it would be "Thou Shalt Not Mess With The Ass." Normally, Christians feverishly protect the male ass from external intrusion, but lately they have been branching out into the world of female ass advocacy. Our friends at OneNewsNow.com detail a particularly putrid perversion of that which God made and no man shall put asunder:

CKE Restaurants' Patty Melt "flat buns" ad for its Carl's Jr. and Hardee's Restaurants has been pulled and re-edited to remove a teacher who danced atop her desk in a classroom while pointing out her flat derriere -- the subject of rapping hip-hoppers in her classroom [...] Bill Johnson of American Decency Association says problems like this are why the Bible commands Christians to be salt and light in the culture.

Here is the offending ad, for which we should immediately invoke Sharia law and have the model stoned, beaten and raped (though not necessarily in that order):



Of course, the fine OneNewsNow readers have their say on the matter:

I have to agree. I disconnected my television for 15 years. Now that our son is grown, married and on his own, I have reconnected it. I am on the verge of a complete disconnection at this rate. I cannot understand the commercial advertisors. I realize that all they are interested in is the money, but at the expense of our children? The commercials that degrade children or create images of them as bullies and mean people is outrageous as well as those mentioned in this article of sex inuendos!! I am sick of it!!!
Posted by Lynn

Lynn - please re-connect your "speak & spell" while you are at it.

I watched a cartoon with my grandchild one Saturday morning and was appalled to see the SUPERHERO backhand a young woman, knocking her across the room! Some message to be presenting to young boys and girls...
Posted by Jane Sullivan

Jane - why are you watching "The Adventures of Pimpman and Cracky" anyway?

i could not agree more. i'm as much offended by the commercials any more as i am on any & most tv programs. i asked when did hamburgers and sex end up in the same sentence. the Dairy Queen some of have had the same enuendo's.
Posted by sue sopala

People have sex without hamburgers?

It's a wild world.

Loyalty Update

Wow, the OneNewsNuts are really angry at Fox News. Here's some more comments from the wingnut gallery:

I wish I knew what makes everyone rally around these homosexual groups. Why the money spent, the parties given, Why? I just don't understand the privledge they rank. A life style that is pure decadance and it gets all the glory. Just don't understand why the need to back this group. A group that can run half naked down the streets for its Gay Pride day (that makes you proud?), while anyone else trying that would get arrested for breaking the indency laws. and for those who think I'm homophobic, what does that mean exactly? All I can tell you, is that my father was gay and I saw things no kid should see ok? So, I do know what I'm talking about.
Posted by Linda

Thanks for sharing, Linda. My dad was gay, too, and while growing up, I also was subjected to sights that no child should ever view:







I don't want to talk about it any more.

The only station I watched was Fox and now I have been deceived. So will get back to some wonderful music and good books. The best one that I do read a lot is the Bible, don't have to guess if there is truth there, because we know it is all truth. Maybe more should pick it up and read the truth. Very disappointed in Fox.
Posted by Norma Robinson

Might I suggest a few ideas?

I am sorry to hear that Fox news is suportive of homosexual activities of any kind. I have always liked Fox news for its conservitive stance. If it support homosexual lifestyle in any way I will no longer watch it.
Posted by Knute Seglem

"Conservitive [sic] stance?" I'll show you conservative stance!

Loyalty

Ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high amongst evangelical Christians? Look beyond the stereotypes about wife-beating drunken Larry-the-septic-tank-guy lookin' slobs and their fat hairy beast-wives and you'll find a unifying characteristic amongst southern/plains states Christians - if you cross them ONCE, you're dead to them forever. You might have gone on endless wilding runs and beaten up thousands of negroes with your friends, but save just ONE 14-year-old black girl from being gang-raped and all of a sudden you're the ultimate pariah. Such is the treatment that Fox News is receiving at the hands of OneNewsNow's readers:

Fox News Channel blasted for supporting pro-homosexual group

The president of an Illinois-based pro-family group says many fans of the Fox News Channel would be surprised -- and perhaps even upset -- to know that the network, which describes itself as "fair and balanced," supports a conference for homosexual journalists. The program guide for the recent conference of the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association in San Diego featured an ad by Fox News Channel. A representative for Americans for Truth About Homosexuality (AFTAH) also attended the conference, which featured homosexual media and mainstream media strategizing around a pro-homosexual perspective. AFTAH president Peter LaBarbera says Fox News has supported the pro-homosexual group for several years.

In Galatians 3:22, the Lord did say "ye shall mete out swift and due punishment to thy transgressor" (actually, I just made that up - sounds good, right?). Anyway, the readers were more than happy to weigh in on the "Fox and Cocks" scandal:

Fair and balanced = Father, Mother, and Children. Thank you
Posted by john rogers

Evidently John is a big fan of "Logan's Run," and Grandma and Grandpa were killed off a long time ago.

If God says this life style is a sin, why in the world would you support it?
Posted by Bob White

Bob, I don't remember anything in the Ten Commandments about gay sex being sinful, but I do recall that little "bear false witness" line. And this is the FIRST time you're getting pissed at Fox for "sinning"?

Because of this support of Homosexuals and theother trash on t.v. we have had our satellite disconnected. Now we read and do other things.I encourage everyone to do the same thing.
Posted by gail gossum

Wow, that was fast acting on your part! I'm glad your family will have more quality time for "other things," like incest and sticking Coke bottles up sheeps' asses. GIT R DONE.

Homosexuality is an aberration of why God created Adam and Eve.
Posted by John V.

I don't even know what that means. John, perhaps you should watch the Fox Vocabulary Channel.

For FOX to support the National Gay journalists convention in San Diego, I feel that I have been "slapped" in the face and I must now reconsider my viewing options. Please say it "ain't so".
Posted by Lynda

Is there any reason to spell out the "slapped in the face" joke here? I didn't think so.

Good time for me to stop watching the news anyway,as my son-in-law flies out for Iraq the 15th of this month.GOD HELP THIS NATION.
Posted by Joe

Yeah, you picked a great time to stop informing yourself of world events.

I recall Bill O'Reilly was the commentator/spin zone that brought to our attention that Chavez (leader in Venuzuela) owned Citgo and supplied the fuel. He wants to overthrow our government and thinks President Bush is the devil! Go figure. Why let Citgo be a sponsor of FoxNews if they hate our country. 7-11 stores got it right. They stopped using Citgo as a fuel supplier and went with local vendors!!!
Posted by Tricia

"Prevent the next 9-11 by shopping at 7-11." Thanks, Tricia!

But perhaps the award for the post with the most tormented irony goes to Mr. Spray:

I have been a FOX fan for years and believe for the most part they are truly fair and balanced. They present, in most cases, both sides of the issue, which is as it should be. I am truly ashamed that they would support the gay/lesbian agenda in any way.
Posted by John Spray

It's a wild world.

One More Toon

I just couldn't resist posting this gem from the brilliant mind of Dave Eden. It might take you a while to figure out what the crudely-drawn toon is getting at, so allow me to explain. The sweaty, nervous androgyne is holding a couple of boxes for movies he/she/it has apparently rented. Apparently, our genderless friend has wandered into the world's only video store with text-only box covers (sort of like a Lynx-browser theme), and they have rented the movies "Kill Kill Kill Horror," and "Sex Sware Hurt Sex." Now, I have not heard of either of these films, but they sure do sound interesting ... and if they can make a hermaphrodite sweat just from the titles alone, they seem worthwhile to look into.

However, the artist wants us to know that renting these types of movies - especially during adolescence, when both sets of genitalia are just about to sprout for our confused protagonist - is harmful, and people need to "dig deeper" for better choices in films. Apparently, you won't need to dig too deeply, because the ENTIRE SHELF of movies behind the boymangirlwoman is stocked with wholesome titles. The store features several Christian classics like "Passion of the Christ" (which I have not seen, but a friend of mine says that the whipping scene is GREAT to jack off to), "Keelah and the Bee" (which is supposed to be like "Akeelah and the Bee, but she "gives up the A"), and "A Beautiful Mind" (a wonderful film that explores what happens when the chick with the hottest rack in Hollywood develops anorexia).

I was surprised to see a few of the titles on the shelf ... for example, has anyone told Dave that "Glory Road" supports the idea that negroes have rights? I mean, it was really cool when they beat the player up in the bathroom at that diner, but aside from that, the lack of respect for our country's institutions (segregation, racial profiling, Pat Riley) are apparent throughout. But most surprising of all was the inclusion of "Happy Feet." I mean, this flick is simply DANGEROUS, not only to America, but to G_d:

"[T]he propagandistic theme suggests that the biggest menace for the lovable penguins is the human race -- stealing the fish on which the birds depend, or ruining planet earth through pollution and global warming."
Michael Medved

"I'd like to teach my children how to think for themselves about the issues, including global warming and the environment, instead of having them indoctrinated by some Hollywood director."
Glenn Beck

"I felt like I was watching Dirty Dancing, penguin-style. You know, the preaching against the tap dancing and being liberal and stay conformed. And then it started to get into the other messages. Yes, we had that plastic ring around one of the penguin's neck. From there it got worse."
Holly McClure

"I half-expected to see an animated version of Al Gore pop up."
Neil Cavuto

I just called my local video store - unfortunately, I'm on the waiting list for "Sex Sware Hurt Sex."

We're Fighting For Our Lives Here, People!

Since 2003, just about everyone who is opposed to this phenomenal disaster of a war has, at some point, made a comparison between The Iraq Follies and That Police Action in Vietnam. No sooner than the comparison is made, hundreds of googling war monkeys descend upon them, berating the speaker for their ignorance. Another fun activity for radical conservatives is to claim that liberals think there is a "moral equivalence" to be found between the actions of the US military and the despicable deeds of (FILL IN THE BLANK - Osama, Saddam, al Sadr, the guy who made the gMail virus, Tony Romo, you name it). One would assume that since these conservative Keepers of The Holy Comparison so vigorously defend against false equivalencies, they would be quite careful not to engage in the same practices. Oh, do I love OneNewsNow.com...

On the anniversary of the September 11 attacks, a reminder of another previous battle -- a cultural battle -- is taking place, as attorneys for the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) and CBS make oral arguments at the Third U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia. The incident is the infamous Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

I don't know about you, but this reminds me of the comparison made by conservatives in 1947 between the Pearl Harbor attacks, and that scene in the movie where Nelson Eddy's hand slid a little too far down the back of Jeanette MacDonald's dress. The more things change...

Discrimination is Where You Find It

Some days, I write a rambling expositionary screed to introduce the day's material from OneNewsNow.com ... on other days, the material speaks for itself. This is one of those days:

Christian cartoonist feels suppressed by mainstream media

A Texas-based sign maker and part-time editorial cartoonist says political correctness, which has stifled debate on issues such as homosexuality and the threat of global terrorism, has made it tough for him to find an outlet for his creative work.

Dave Eden [...] draws editorial cartoons on a part-time basis. His cartoons appeared from time to time in his local paper, The Wylie News, until two cartoons -- one on homosexual marriage, and another about Muslim terrorists -- offended some people. Eden says officials with the newspaper refused to run anymore of his cartoons, claiming they did not want to offend various segments of society.

In the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi, "who did Dave Eden suck off to get free publicity like this?" Obviously, Dave is a very talented man whose amazing work must speak for itself. Speak away, Dave:








I'm at a loss. Did the soul of Thomas Nast suddenly pull a Quantum Leap into the body of Dave Eden? That's some scary talent. Check out more at Dave's incredible toon site.

Not Exactly The Montgomery Bus Boycott

Way back in my college days, I used to spend a lot of time at Wellesley (which is where the then-future and now-current Vesti-wife attended school). There wasn't a great deal of "fun" to be had on the Wellesley campus, but if you wanted to talk to some really angry, socially-conscious, tunnel-vision types, you were in the right spot. We ate a lot of takeout food at Wellesley, but NEVER did we eat a pizza from Domino's. See, Domino's was owned and chaired by Tom Monahan, who made no secret that he was donating large amounts of company cash to anti-choice organizations in the hopes of overturning Roe v. Wade (Monahan went on to own the Detriot Tigers and is currently trying to build an entire Christian town in Florida ... no shit, that's true). So, if you ordered from Domino's you were immediately labeled an enemy of women's rights. Which was fine with me, because Domino's pizza tastes like somebody shellaqued a pile of squeezy cheese, tossed it on an unflavored muffin, and sprinkled it with ketchup.



I borrowed the "Ketchup" reference from Henry

Regardless of my feelings about the quality of Domino's food, I have always found the whole idea of economic boycotts based on political beliefs tremendously silly. First of all, I feel like in most cases, it's better the devil you know - hell, you order from Sal's Famous Pizzeria, and you'll be paying for more political incorrectness than a few less aborted fetuses, I'll tell you that much:


How'd this boycott work out, anyway?

I figure that if I like the product, and the means of production is palatable, I got no beef with anyone spending their money (including direct deposits of corporate profits) in any way they see fit. While Kathie Lee Gifford makes me want to vomit and slice my own eyeballs out with the rusty edge of a skate-blade, I never had any problem with anyone purchasing her line of clothes until it turned out that she was manufacturing them with an army of Thai slaves (who should, by all rights, have been happily employed in the country's lucrative erotic entertainment industry).

I say all of this because OneNewsNow.com is owned and produced by the KINGS of political-economic product boycotts, the American Family Association. Over the years, Donald Wildmon and company have boycotted EVERYTHING, from Howard Stern to baby foods to gum to what-have-you ... if there is a shred of "anti-Christian" indecency detected in your product, AFA will write you a bunch of letters and threaten to no longer eat your brand of Macaroni & Cheese. Hell, they run so many simultaneous boycotts, I have no idea how anyone who participates in all of them can feed and clothe themselves. I'm looking forward to the AFA boycott of "Hydrogen", which is a particularly lascivious element (not to mention a symbol of individualism and radical existentialism) that is designed - intelligently, of course - to chip away at fiber of the only true core element of American culture - the traditional nuclear family.

When the AFA sounds off against Janet Jackson's ugly-assed nipple, or potty swears on the radio, or a teen orgy scene on "Without a Trace" (yeah, it was pretty good), they create an annoyance, but at least their message "makes sense" in the context of their broader mission. However, if their ongoing boycott of the Ford Motor Company is having any impact whatsoever, we should all ask ourselves:

"Why does the AFA hate America?"

Check out the OneNewsNow archive of anti-Ford stories:

Group Links Ford's Sales Drop to Homosexual Support
Ministry leader: No Fords for us
POLL: Are you more likely to buy a Ford
Ford shareholders to reintroduce proposal against pro-homosexual ...
Ford shareholders listen closely to policy proposal, but still say ...
Ford responsible for its own sales decline, AFA says
Group says boycott adding to Ford's money woes
Ford's sales drop, homosexual support continues
Ford move called part of pullback from homosexual support ...
Ford tops sponsors on GLAAD-approved TV shows
Ford pledges to continue support for homosexual activism ...
Activist convinced Ford headed toward day of reckoning
News media ignoring Ford boycott, media analyst says
Support for homosexual agenda remaining 'Ford tough'
Ford: diverse, but losing business ground?
August another bad month for Ford Motor


I would like to personally thank the AFA for their efforts in weakening the already troubled 2nd-largest automaker in America. It's funny, I hear all the time from right-wing clowns that "Liberals love it when the news says we're losing in Iraq" because that makes it easier for left-wing types to push their agenda and win elections. Frankly, 99.9% of the liberals I know would find it offensive and unpatriotic to gloat over American deaths in any war, even one in which it's clear that liberal voices have correctly analyzed and predicted for over five years. Unfortunately, the folks at the AFA have no such compunctions about gleefully expressing their schadenfreude for a major American industrial leader and employer of thousands of Christians - ostensibly dancing AND fiddling while Rome burns and economic disaster looms. And why? Because a tiny fraction of Ford's cash goes to support diversity and the protection of civil rights for homosexuals.


Seems like every misguided economic boycott has its roots in Detroit, doesn't it? Maybe those folks should all move to Flint.

One News Weekend Waltz One

Weekends afford me the greatest opportunity for writing - I have more time and fewer obligations. However, OneNewsNow operates on an inverse calendar - they do not approve any comments on the weekends, and push a limited amount of content on Saturdays and Sundays. So, in order to publish on the weekends, I will need to find some creative ways to assault their archives.


"Everybody's working for the weekend."

For the first edition of The OneNewsNow Weekend Waltz, I will share with you the collected works of my favorite commenter - the illustrious Karen E. Clemovich. Karen posts in ALL CAPS about 98% of the time, utilizes punctuation in a manner wholly inconsistent with her text, and serves as a genuine voice of the American evangelical right - much in the same way that John Wayne Gacy spoke for mass-murdering pedophile clowns everywhere across this great land. So, without further ado, here are some of Sister Karen's Greatest Hits:

Karen loves Muslims ... and Democrates:

GOD FORBID IF OUR GOVERNMENT LET THEM SUCCEED.THEN THEY WILL TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND THE NEXT UNTIL THEIR LITTLE PLAN CULMINATES INTO THE BIG PLAN TO TAKE OVER AND MAKE AMERICA ISLAMIC...DON'T THINK IT WILL HAPPEN??? AMERICA IS ALREADY ON IT WAY TO MAKING IT HAPPEN ...THANKS TO THE LIBERALS AND DEMOCRATES OF AMERICA. WE ARE IN A MUDSLIDE OUT OF CONTROL...IF...WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES DON'T UNITE AND STAND FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS[ THE RIGHT WAY TO GO] AND KICKING GOD OUT OF AMERICAN LIFE IS THE FIRST STEP IN THE WRONG DIRECTION... WE NEED CHURCH[PEOPLE] AND STATE[PEOPLE] TOGETHER AS ONE...THIS COUNTRY WAS A REPUBLIC...[ONE NATION UNDER GOD] WHEN IT BEGAN ... THEN A DEMOCRATIC SOMETHING SNUCK INTO OUR MIDST LIKE WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING...AND WAA-LAA...DOWNHILL DID WE START

Not exactly Dylan Thomas raging against the dying of the light. Perhaps Karen will be more eloquent in her deconstruction of a recent ad for Wrigley's Fusion Gum:

ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT ADS ARE USING SEX OR SEXUAL CONTENT TO SELL ITS PRODUCT...NOW WRIGLEY USING TWO GIRLS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY ... WHEN IS ALL THIS [DUNG] GOING TO STOP...WHAT HAVE WE STOOPED TO....IS SEX ALL THAT IS ON AMERICA'S MIND....WHAT HAPPENED TO MODESTY...PURITY...AND CLEAN ADS

Ah yes, "clean ads" ... the golden age of advertising in America - she must be referring to the late 50s and early 60s, when doctors promoted cigarettes, women whored themselves out in airline ads, and black people did not exist. At least there were no ads for "Harry Potter" books...

LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME...[FALLEN] REMEMBER THE DAYS OF THE WITCH HUNTS ... WHEN ANYONE SHOWING ANY SIGNS OF ANYTHING THAT HAD TO DO WITH WITCHCRAFT ... WERE JUDGED AND SENTENCED TO DIE. AND THEY CALL WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY "PROGRESS" I SAY WE ARE DIGRESSING AND DEGENERATING

You read that right - Karen is pining for the salad days of witch-burning in America. I'm betting she wouldn't mind seeing a few "spooks" torched as well. Speaking of fires, let's let Karen go out in a blaze of glory - on the topic of that rat-bastard Hindu who dared to pray before the U.S. Senate:

THE HINDU PEOPLE WHO ARE HERE CAN HAVE THEIR OWN CHOICE OF RELIGION AS WELL AS ANY OTHER PERSON WHO COMES TO AMERICA AS WELL AS AMERICANS...BUT TO ALLOW ONE WHO DOES NOT STAND AND BELIEVE WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS, BACKED BY OUR FOREFATHERS...THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PRAY TO OTHER gods OR IN THE NAME OF OTHER gods. TO DO SO ,IT IS POSSIBLE THAT GOD WILL BE GREATLY OFFENDED THAT HIS BLESSED AMERICA HAS TURNED TO ACCEPT ANOTHER god or gods AS THEIRS...YES HE COULD JUST CALL DOWN FIRE FROM HEAVEN AND CONSUME ALL WHO ARE THERE GATHERED.

Yeesh - again with the fire. Let's hope he sends down nachos instead.

Got a mental picture of Karen? I know I do.

Dig the Ditches, Burn the Witches

You might think that I spent last Sunday at a soccer tournament. After all, I did take my kids to a park with soccer fields where they played the game of soccer along with several hundred other girls. However, this was not a soccer tournament, but a satanic ritual serving as Lucifer's waiting room, where evil liberals indoctrinated little girls into a lifestyle of evil that will result in eternal damnation:



I am happy to report that we successfully exposed over 400 of Satan's New Minions to witch imagery and other occult symbolism, ensuring that these otherwise innocent-looking children will someday carry on our anti-Christian traditions (such as ethnic diversity, civil rights, watching CBS News, and touching black people directly on their skin).

Of course, we had no Bibles present at the event - just like in our mainstay of heretical indoctrination, the Public Schools of America:

School asks student to replace Bible reading with book about witches

In one Pennsylvania public school, reading from the Bible is forbidden -- but reading about witches and Halloween is encouraged. Wesley Busch is a kindergarten student at Culbertson Elementary School in Newton Square, Pennsylvania -- and all he wanted to do was have his mother read aloud from his favorite book, the Bible. [...] "When Wesley told his mom 'I want you to read the Bible, that's my favorite book,' the school said no --even though they let every other book reading go forward," (their) attorney explains. "And even though they told Mrs. Busch 'no, you can't read the Bible,' [they said] 'but here, read this book on witches and Halloween instead.'"

I'm going to take a wild guess, and say that the kid couldn't give less of a shit about the Bible, that his mother is a freakish bitch who demanded that she read the Bible aloud in class, that she selected passages that were designed to make other kids feel ashamed of themselves if their families were not Christian, and that she threatened a lawsuit on-site at the school if they didn't comply with her dementia. Hell, let's stop guessing and read from the court documents:

It is admitted that as of October, 2004, Plaintiff’s son, Wesley, was a kindergarten student at Culberston Elementary School and that his teacher was Mrs. Reilly. It is further admitted that in approximately mid-October, 2004, Plaintiff came to Mrs. Reilly’s kindergarten classroom. It is denied that Plaintiff came to Mrs. Reilly’s kindergarten classroom pursuant to a specific invitation.

Well, we're off to a good start...

By way of further answer, Defendants do not know why Plaintiff was at Culbertson Elementary School that day or who chose the book from which she attempted to read aloud. Defendants further deny that one such activity of the “All About Me” week was the opportunity to have the student’s parent read aloud from the student’s favorite book. To the contrary, there was a general invitation to share, among other things, a story. By way of further answer, Defendants do not know who chose the Bible or why the Bible was chosen. Defendants do not know whether Wesley asked the Plaintiff to read a passage from the Bible to his classmates. Defendants do not know who chose to read Psalm 118.

Oh my. Before we get back to the court documents, let's take a look at Psalm 118 ... I won't post the whole damn thing here, but my favorite lines are "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man," and "They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the LORD I cut them off." Happy Story Hour, kinder-kiddies! But I digress... let's look at what happened when this kook gets all huffy because another child's mother read a story from a book about Chanukah ("Mr. Cook" is the school principal, BTW):

Mr. Cook stated that Gershon’s Monster is a story related to Jewish culture and the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah is not a religious writing and is available in the Culberston Elementary School Library along with many books about other holidays, including Christian holidays.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE WITCHES??????

Mrs. Reilly offered the Plaintiff the opportunity to read aloud from several children’s stories within her classroom, including some about Halloween.

Would those be the books in the library, which includes books on Christian holidays? Would Mrs. Reilly have said something like "you can pick any book from the library, ma'am," and these FUCKING LIARS WHO CALL THEMSELVES CHRISTIANS turned that into a "Bible Bad, Halloween Good" headline on every religious nutcase website? I'm not certain. Who can tell? Anyway, I just want to point out a few more things that this FUCKING LYING BITCH WITH A DOOMED UGLY CHILD made up for the lawsuit:

By way of further answer, it is denied that any student – or parent – was ever allowed to read aloud a book about Judaism to the kindergarten class as part of the “All About Me” week classroom exercise. To the contrary, no student – or parent – ever read aloud or was allowed to read aloud any book about Judaism under such circumstances. By way of further answer, it is denied that any student – or parent – was ever allowed to teach the kindergarten class the dreidel game as part of the “All About Me” week classroom exercise. To the contrary, no student – or parent – ever taught or was allowed to teach the kindergarten class the dreidel game under such circumstances. By way of further answer, it is denied that any student – or parent – was ever allowed to place the Star of David on the monthly calendar as part of the “All About Me” week classroom exercise. To the contrary, no student – or parent – ever placed or was allowed to place the Star of David on the monthly calendar under such circumstances.

It goes on and on and on ad nauseum ... but let me throw in just a few more nuggets before closing:

By way of further answer, it is denied that Wesley showed to any school officials any alleged signs of frustration about going to school. To the contrary, Wesley did not show to any school officials any alleged signs of frustration about going to school. By way of further answer, it is denied that Mrs. Reilly told Wesley that it was bad to read the Bible. To the contrary, Mrs. Reilly never told Wesley that it was bad to read the Bible.

To be fair, they denied a lot of the claim, but did uphold it in part:

4.3 Admitted in part, denied in part. It is admitted that Plaintiff, Donna Kay Busch, was a parent of Wesley Busch, a pupil at Culbertson Elementary School. The remainder of the allegations in the paragraph are denied.

And what would a OneNewsNow article be without fabulous reader comments?

I hope the parents win this case. It is so silly, so ridiculous, when school authorities will accept any other religion or foolishness except Christianity. The schools and public places made their greatest mistakes when they refused to allow the 10 commandments. Now kids can steal, cheat, lie, etc., because nothing is forbidden except the moral standards of the Bible
- Posted by G. Richard and Myrtle Virginia Thompson

I immediately told my children that while they were at school, they were allowed to covet their neighbor's wife.

The Holy Bible states that in the very last days most of the world will be into drugs and witchcraft. It uses the word sorceries which is translated two ways for two meanings....pharmakia (Greek) for pharmacy or drugs and witchcraft is the other translated word. If they are determined to go to hell, who can stop them?
- Posted by Golf Pro

Exactly my point. You can't stop 'em, you can only hope to contain 'em. That's why we all do eightballs as a family every Sunday.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD THE WAY IT IS GOING...AND I BELIEVE ACCORDING TO SCRIPTURE ..IT WILL BECOME WORST WITH GROSS DARKNESS UPON THE PEOPLE..TO ME THIS SAYS..WITHOUT GOD THERE IS NO LIGHT...ONLY GROSS DARKNESS. THIS IS WHAT THE LIBERALS OF TODAY WANT...GOD GONE....AND WE CAN ALREADY SEE HIS[GODS] HAND OF PROTECTION PULLING BACK UP INTO HEAVEN
- Posted by Karen E Clemovich

That God sure is sensitive. But this might be the best comment ever, ever, ever, ever:

if the constitution is still the law of the land how can one book have a higher place than another.
- Posted by jeffrey tucker

Irony never was the strong suit of the Christian right.

Goddamn Poor Folks

I grew up with the mistaken notion that Jesus really wanted to help poor folks. When I grew older and wiser, I learned that the people who were the most strident Jesus-backers were also the angriest poor-people-haters ... I mean, evangelicals are always staunch defenders of the GOP's anti-poor tradition, and if that means that we won't raise the minimum wage, we will cut welfare benefits to the neediest of the needy, and make sure that poor kids don't have a sititch of healthcare, well, that must be the will of Jesus. And who wouldn't hate the poor? By and large, these filthy bastards are just stealing our tax dollars and serving as a burden of the nanny state. Thankfully, many of them procreate and produce strong young men of minority descent, and we have enough soldiers for a temporary "surge."

"I'll stick 30 pieces of silver straight up your ass."

Of course, nobody really wants to be identified as "that guy who hates poor people" ... so, the GOP applied the lessons from their successful campaign to create a socially acceptable language of racism, and applied them to poor folks. So, instead of saying "I wish I could roll that bum in the alley and kick his dirty fucking face in ... it would sure be great to jerk off to that memory later," they say things like "we're not giving them a handout, we're giving them a hand up." See? Much better. Our good friends at OneNewsNow have brought "scientific research" into the mix, and seek to demonstrate that the poor really aren't so"poor" after all:

[A] prominent researcher says most of America's "poor" live in conditions that would be judged as comfortable or well off just a few generations ago. [...] Rector says according to the government's own data that measures living standards, the typical poor person has cable or satellite television, a microwave, air conditioning, a DVD player, and two color televisions; and close to 45 percent of them own their own home, which is typically a three-bedroom residence with 1.5 bathrooms. Furthermore, he points out that one-third of all poor people own two cars...

How many Bibles do they own? None, of course. And apparently, if these people just followed the word of Christ and got themselves a Protestant work ethic, they would be selling their 3-bed, 1.5 bath luxury condos and trading up to a home in the Hamptons quickly:

Dr. Robert Rector says a lack of work and a lack of marriage are the two main factors producing child poverty in the U.S. [...] The researcher says the average family with poor children only works about 16 hours a week on a yearly average. According to Rector, if the number of hours worked per week were raised to 40, those children would be "immediately raised out of poverty." And throwing more money at the problem, he adds, will not fix anything. Instead he suggests that the underlying behavioral issues need to be dealt with in order to see results.

Whoo baby! The solution is here - just raise the hours worked per week from 16 to 40, and poor people ain't po no mo! We don't need to worry about caring for small children in the home (who may be sick or disabled), we don't need to concern ourselves with the fact that NO WORK MAY BE AVAILABLE, just go out and work 40 hours. Come on, it's so simple!

Home is Where the School Is

"We didn't land on Little Rock,
Little Rock Landed On Us."

Tomorrow will mark the 50th anniversary of the "Little Rock 9" - a bunch of black kids who had the audacity to register for classes at a school in America. When they got there, I can only imagine they looked around at all the ignorant crackers and said to themselves "And, what the fuck am I supposed to learn from these morons?" Well, if they're still alive, they can take heart in the knowledge that whitey has spent the past 50 years figuring out how to re-separate everyone back into their neat black-and-white pigeon holes. The white man's belief in segregation is as strong and persistent as ever, but it has a new name: homeschooling.

When you hear the word "homeschooling," you probably envision some nerdy 12-year-old daughter of a physicist, sitting at home leafing through 16th-century Dutch literature while she simultaneously prepares to defend her Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee title. Unfortunately, the vast majority of home-schooled kids are white people from America's heartland, swept from their local public schools by their disillusioned evangelical parents whose worst nightmare is that little Daisy Mae will end up infested by the satanic semen of her black, Mexican or (GASP!) Mormon classmate. So, since mom has already been sentenced to a life of social isolation while she toils at home mending socks and suffering through the occasional sexual assault at the hands of her drunken Promise-Keeping husband, she might as well teach the kiddies about the three R's and ensure that they continue her family's legacy of quiet desperation. The Lord would surely approve.

"Misogyny ... can I have a definition?"

Of course, OneNewsNow.com readers are HUGE proponents of homeschooling, especially when their local curriculum is TOTALLY SEXY. In his regularly-featured column, culture warrior Matt Barber strikes back when an Illinois School District Pushes Smut on Children:

Illinois School District 126 [...] has defended its choice to assign summer reading to 12- and 13-year-olds that is replete with harsh profanity and references to teen sex -- even teen sex with adults. [...] One of the books, Fat Kid Rules the World (by K.L. Going), contains numerous salacious passages that are totally inappropriate for quotation here.

[...]

The agenda is pushed and the curriculum set by leftist groups like the National Education Association (NEA), the ACLU and the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). Even the American Library Association (ALA) gave Fat Kid its "Michael L. Printz Award for Excellence in Young Adult Literature." The book also received a rave review from America's largest homosexual activist literary organization, Lambda Literary Foundation.

By constantly lowering the bar on decency, educators are intentionally playing a game of ideological limbo with our children's moral well-being as they seek to create little moral relativists in their own iconoclastic self-image. And they're robbing kids of great reading like Oliver Twist, Treasure Island and many others in the process.

At least the Little Rock 9 can take comfort that Gay is the new Black. Evidently, keeping your kids locked up in your own home and only socializing with their parents, brothers, sisters and cousins (and the occasional livestock) is the best way to keep them safe from unnatural influences on their sexual development. (INSERT OWN PUNCHLINE HERE)

Of course, the loyal OneNewsNow readers have weighed in on this issue in droves:

No wonder our kids are committing suicide, joining gangs and killing each other. What do people expect when kids are fed this filth right from their schools. It literally makes me sick.
Posted by Lynn

Lynn, last I checked, most of the kids in gangs probably didn't keep up on their summer reading.

The citizens should band together and take this as high as needed to stop it. Of course, again and again, the HOMOS push this sickness agenda on everyone including young children. They need to be stopped whatever it takes - and this is as good a start as any. Hopefully these parents will do whatever necessary to protect their children from these evil people.
Posted by Sandy

Sandy, should the HOMO citizens also band together with these folks and "take this as high" (WTF is that supposed to mean?)? While your writing may be too confusing for a non-home-schooled person to comprehend, I think that the message that they "must be stopped whatever it takes" is pretty clear: I'll grab some rope and fire up the pickup truck.

A book that details sexual conduct between teens and adults is strickly unnatural and perverted adult material even in the most degenerate places. (Is Mr. Berger on the national register for pedifiles? If not, he should be, as this certainly puts his character in question.)
Posted by Gloria

I haven't read that dialect since Mayella took the stand in "To Kill a Mockingbird." I'm guessing that Atticus would pretty easily break Gloria under cross-examination.

My favorite comment is this one, which proves that you can be a Christian and a capitalist at the same time:

This is why I teach my kids at home, which only takes less than 15 minutes of my time per day. If you don't believe it, have a look at the Robinson Curriculum. It works wonders.
Posted by dan

Thanks for that totally unsolicited and unbiased endorsement of The Robinson Curriculum, "dan." If you've never heard of TRC, it's a favorite among Christian homeschoolers - a complete K-12 curriculum sequence with support materials that allows even the dumbest fat-assed backwater housefrau to help their kids with that there learnin' (as long as they own a home COM-puuuuter). Of course, TRC is not without its ideological trappings, as can be seen in their position paper on Multiculturalism:

This word has been brought to us by the dead hand of government and by political agitators who seek to use American schools as mechanisms for social engineering rather than institutions of learning. By this word and the propaganda that surrounds it, they seek to introduce "values" into the differences between different human beings—the difference itself being the value—and they themselves being the self-anointed custodians of that manufactured value. No longer agreeing with Thomas Jefferson and our other founding fathers that all people are created equal and that each person should have an equal right before the law to life, liberty, property, and an opportunity to better himself by adopting the best examples set by other people, the state schools teach that all people should be forced to remain different so that their "cultures" will not change.

Don't you love it when hillbillies use the word "agitators"? We don't need their kind, these outside agitators comin' into our town and agitatin' up all their agitational idears. What fucking century is this, anyway? As Lostsoul might say, "Whoops! Someone forgot to wind the calendar." But the richest nugget from this article - which is evidently so timeless in its wisdom that it needn't be updated, even though it was first published in 1994 - is the screed which begins:

The latest example of multiculturalism is being called "ebonics." Ebonics is supposed to be a culturally different (and therefore automatically valuable) language spoken in part of the black community. In fact, it is nothing more than a hodge-podge of slang and poor grammar that has arisen as black students, deprived of a decent education by public schools, seek to communicate with one another.

So, not to worry, Little Rock 9. The homeschooling mission has not focused so much on the homos that they have forgotten about you and your filthy black grandchildren.

Before closing, I want to thank Red Tory for mentioning my horrid repository of nauseating vulgarities on his fantastic blog, which actually contains discussions of political merit. It's an honor to be recognized by someone who actually produces something of social value, and if you prefer intellectual edification to mindless profanities and date-rape jokes, I suggest you stick with his site and never return here again.

The Evils of Holiday Inn

Satan's Playground??



Truly, only the Lord knows just how much evil has been committed inside of Holiday inns. Every time I stay in a hotel, I try to imagine what the worst thing was that ever happened in my assigned room. Was a prostitute ever strangled? Did someone get a bad batch of H and have to be med-flighted to the hospital while comatose? Or - horror of horrors - was a Christian ever marginalized there? I never know, but I do know that the good folks at OneNewsNow detail the horrors experienced by the earnest members of Americans for Truth when they attempted to book some time at the bustling Holiday Inn in downtown Naperville:

Americans for Truth (AFT) had reached a verbal agreement with the Holiday Inn Select in Naperville, Illinois, to hold its October 6 banquet at the hotel. AFT had the reservation for several weeks, and both parties had even discussed the menu for the event. But when AFT executive director Peter LaBarbera told the banquet coordinator the event might draw a protest from homosexual activists, general manager Dennis Igoe dropped the reservation due to what he called "potential negative publicity to the hotel."

Of course, there's a threatened lawsuit along with a call to arms for all good Christians to fight this horrid injustice. And OneNewsNow's readers apply their sharp critical thinking skills to help us better understand the issue:

Hatred for Bible believing Christians is growing and spreading like a cancer across America. It is a sign of the last days. I will choose to avoid Holiday Inns from now on. God is keeping a record of these actions.
Posted by David Gates

Yes, David ... but is He checking it twice?

Frankly, they should sue. You can not let something like this slide and set a precedent, and then later down the line complain about anti-Christian discrimination. Muslims sue. Homosexuals sue. Everybody sues whenever they're feelings are hurt, and it's the Christians that are usually the targets. Time to start firing back. And frankly I am sick to death of this one-way tolerance BS.
Posted by Keith

Damn straight, Keith. It's definitely time to get back to old-school, zero-way tolerance.

The AFT should launch a damage suite against the hotel [...]
Posted by Tony Altamore

Unfortunately Tony, the "Damage Suite" comes with turn-down service.

Good Grief!!!! Another cave in to the homosexuals. When is corporate America going to stop kissing their dirty filthy cornholes and start treating everyone equally as it is stated in the constitution.
Posted by Breeze

I might have to re-read my Constitution ... I must have skipped over the "stop kissing cornholes" part.

My family of eleven will not again be staying with this company.
Posted by Golf Pro

Travis Henry? Is that you?

I shall never again darken the door of a Holiday Inn. [...]
Posted by Ray

Ray, what exactly do you darken the door with? Do you rub something on it?

Personally, my husband and I can't afford Holiday Inn prices when we travel, but if we could, be sure that we would boycott them. I try to boycott ANY business who caves in to pressure from the liberal left. [...]
Posted by Shirley Hackbart

Shirley, if you can't afford to stay at a Holiday Inn, I'm sure that corporate America is shuddering from the potential impact of your boycott. In the meantime, we'll leave a light on for you.