Friday, September 7, 2007

One News Weekend Waltz One

Weekends afford me the greatest opportunity for writing - I have more time and fewer obligations. However, OneNewsNow operates on an inverse calendar - they do not approve any comments on the weekends, and push a limited amount of content on Saturdays and Sundays. So, in order to publish on the weekends, I will need to find some creative ways to assault their archives.


"Everybody's working for the weekend."

For the first edition of The OneNewsNow Weekend Waltz, I will share with you the collected works of my favorite commenter - the illustrious Karen E. Clemovich. Karen posts in ALL CAPS about 98% of the time, utilizes punctuation in a manner wholly inconsistent with her text, and serves as a genuine voice of the American evangelical right - much in the same way that John Wayne Gacy spoke for mass-murdering pedophile clowns everywhere across this great land. So, without further ado, here are some of Sister Karen's Greatest Hits:

Karen loves Muslims ... and Democrates:

GOD FORBID IF OUR GOVERNMENT LET THEM SUCCEED.THEN THEY WILL TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND THE NEXT UNTIL THEIR LITTLE PLAN CULMINATES INTO THE BIG PLAN TO TAKE OVER AND MAKE AMERICA ISLAMIC...DON'T THINK IT WILL HAPPEN??? AMERICA IS ALREADY ON IT WAY TO MAKING IT HAPPEN ...THANKS TO THE LIBERALS AND DEMOCRATES OF AMERICA. WE ARE IN A MUDSLIDE OUT OF CONTROL...IF...WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES DON'T UNITE AND STAND FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS[ THE RIGHT WAY TO GO] AND KICKING GOD OUT OF AMERICAN LIFE IS THE FIRST STEP IN THE WRONG DIRECTION... WE NEED CHURCH[PEOPLE] AND STATE[PEOPLE] TOGETHER AS ONE...THIS COUNTRY WAS A REPUBLIC...[ONE NATION UNDER GOD] WHEN IT BEGAN ... THEN A DEMOCRATIC SOMETHING SNUCK INTO OUR MIDST LIKE WOLVES IN SHEEPS CLOTHING...AND WAA-LAA...DOWNHILL DID WE START
Not exactly Dylan Thomas raging against the dying of the light. Perhaps Karen will be more eloquent in her deconstruction of a recent ad for Wrigley's Fusion Gum:

ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT ADS ARE USING SEX OR SEXUAL CONTENT TO SELL ITS PRODUCT...NOW WRIGLEY USING TWO GIRLS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY ... WHEN IS ALL THIS [DUNG] GOING TO STOP...WHAT HAVE WE STOOPED TO....IS SEX ALL THAT IS ON AMERICA'S MIND....WHAT HAPPENED TO MODESTY...PURITY...AND CLEAN ADS
Ah yes, "clean ads" ... the golden age of advertising in America - she must be referring to the late 50s and early 60s, when doctors promoted cigarettes, women whored themselves out in airline ads, and black people did not exist. At least there were no ads for "Harry Potter" books...

LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME...[FALLEN] REMEMBER THE DAYS OF THE WITCH HUNTS ... WHEN ANYONE SHOWING ANY SIGNS OF ANYTHING THAT HAD TO DO WITH WITCHCRAFT ... WERE JUDGED AND SENTENCED TO DIE. AND THEY CALL WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY "PROGRESS" I SAY WE ARE DIGRESSING AND DEGENERATING
You read that right - Karen is pining for the salad days of witch-burning in America. I'm betting she wouldn't mind seeing a few "spooks" torched as well. Speaking of fires, let's let Karen go out in a blaze of glory - on the topic of that rat-bastard Hindu who dared to pray before the U.S. Senate:

THE HINDU PEOPLE WHO ARE HERE CAN HAVE THEIR OWN CHOICE OF RELIGION AS WELL AS ANY OTHER PERSON WHO COMES TO AMERICA AS WELL AS AMERICANS...BUT TO ALLOW ONE WHO DOES NOT STAND AND BELIEVE WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS, BACKED BY OUR FOREFATHERS...THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PRAY TO OTHER gods OR IN THE NAME OF OTHER gods. TO DO SO ,IT IS POSSIBLE THAT GOD WILL BE GREATLY OFFENDED THAT HIS BLESSED AMERICA HAS TURNED TO ACCEPT ANOTHER god or gods AS THEIRS...YES HE COULD JUST CALL DOWN FIRE FROM HEAVEN AND CONSUME ALL WHO ARE THERE GATHERED.
Yeesh - again with the fire. Let's hope he sends down nachos instead.

Got a mental picture of Karen? I know I do.

4 comments:

HistoryWriter said...

Great picture, but where are the trailer and clapped-out pickup truck? Seriously, though --- stupid ain't necessarily fat 'n' ugly. It could also be thin 'n' ugly, kind of like the characters that used to be played by Agnes Moorehead in the 1940s [WHAT KAREN CALLS THE GOOD OLD DAYS ... HOW FAR WE HAVE FALLEN ...]

vesti said...

Right now, "Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte" is on Fox Movie Channel...

Fantod said...

[DUNG]

The sound made when rapping one's knuckles on Karen E. Clemovich's head.

Carl said...

Where's her penis?