Friday, September 21, 2007

Readin', wRitin', and Semi-Automatics

I've never owned again. Actually, I've never fired a gun. Okay, I've never held a gun (a real, loaded one). And it's not like I've lived in an ivory tower ... I grew up in Stoughton, MA (otherwise known as "Brockton's outhouse") ... when I was 12 my house was broken into and ransacked ... when I was 13, a kid stuck what looked like a real gun in my face and told me he was stealing my bike - after I damn near shit myself, he then laughed and told me it wasn't real ... I lived in Downtown Boston for 4 years ... now I live in a town adjacent to the city, and the guy two doors down from me got busted for racketeering a few years back. Still, I have never once even considered that I might ever want or need to own a firearm. If I did, I probably would have shot my wife's goddamn cat many years ago.

I just pissed on your couch, asshole.

For some reason, evangelical Christians LOVE guns and can't live without them. They want to carry their guns with them everywhere, because everyone knows that safety begins with a full-armed populace. It's the same principle as in the NHL - they are trying to cut down on fighting this year, so every player is allowed to carry a concealed tire iron. I'm guessing that hockey games will immediately become non-stop love-fests, and penalty minutes will shrivel to nearly zero.

Just don't let Ike Turner loan the Bruins any footwear.

The "final frontier" for the Jesus Gun Club is apparently ... public schools. That's right - a well-armed faculty is a prepared faculty, and they won't take any more shit from that kid in the third row, either:

A high school teacher in southern Oregon is challenging a school district policy that prevents her from carrying a gun on school grounds -- even though she is legally licensed to do so. [...] She is recently divorced and has a restraining order against her ex-husband, and to further protect herself, she has obtained a legal concealed carry permit for her handgun. However, the Medford school district prohibits any guns on school grounds, even by a licensed carrier.

THE BASTARDS! But nobody expresses thinly veiled advocacy-for-profit through feigned outrage about this issue any better than Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America:

Pratt [...] states that if more law-abiding people were armed, there would be fewer people killed in school shootings. His argument is that deranged killers do not pay attention to gun control laws and they certainly do not obey them. "The fact of the matter is, when people have been able to get to their guns, even in schools where there were shootings -- whether it was the Appalachian school of law, the high school in Pearl, Mississippi, or the high school in Edinboro, Pennsylvania - killers were stopped because somebody else had a gun," he says.

You betcha! Larry does leave out the fact that in Edinboro, the student who did the shootings left the school dance hall where the shootings occurred and was no longer a threat to anyone when he was accosted by a shotgun-wielding citizen ... and that the kid in Pearl had also left the building, and it is anyone's guess as to whether he was actually going to continue to another school for further shootings when he was stopped by his armed principal. Ah, never mind the details. Guns equal safety, and we should encourage as many law-abiding citizens to carry them as possible.

Like, for example, in Oregon. The legal age to possess a firearm is 18 - although you can't legally SELL guns to anyone under 21 in Oregon (a curious law ... can you imagine if liquor laws were framed that way?). Frankly, EVERY 18 YEAR OLD in Oregon's public schools should come in packing heat, every day. They can't CONCEAL their weapons until they are 21, but who would want to? Guns will become the new fashion statement for students of legal age ... I would wear mine Flavor Flav-style, a big FUCKED UP gun hanging over my stomach from a huge gold rope chain. Yih, yih, yih.

Of course, the readers completely agree with me:

We already had a ton of gun laws in effect even before Columbine. Gun control doesn't stop the violence - law abiding people with values and firearms do.
Posted by Laura Wright

Right on! Law-abiding people with values but WITHOUT guns ... well, they're just all a big, pussified part of the problem.

If some of the students at VA Tech had not been deprived of their right to carry concealed handguns with their valid and legally obtained permits there might not have been near as many deaths. The dean of VA Tech indicted in news interviews he was glad the school had kept other students from being able to excercise their legally obtained privileges. If you happen to find yourself in a similiar situation would you like the ablity to protect yourself and or your family or other people dear to you?
Posted by Scott Cox

Absolutely. And wouldn't it have been cool if, after the shooter started on his rampage, a bunch of other VT students whipped out their weapons and started firing? And better still, what if people couldn't tell who was a deranged shooter and who was playing "Die Hard," since college kids usually don't attend class in police uniforms? Wouldn't it have been great if the entire campus degenerated into a big free-fire zone? The ex-guardsmen who shot up Kent State would have been forced to bow their heads in TOTAL RESPECT to the gunmen of VT Kill Crazy Bullet Orgy 2006.

And hey, I may not own a gun, but I do hire a Ninja on weekends.

1 comment:

Carl said...

For some reason, evangelical Christians LOVE guns and can't live without them.

You don't know?

The baby Jesus was born packin'.