Tuesday, October 2, 2007

One News WND

I founded this blog way back about a month-and-a-half ago to focus on OneNewsNow.com ... but every once in a while, the World Nut Daily Email Letters Page will publish something so loony that it qualifies for the Pantheon Of One News Lunatic Greatness and must be included. Check out today's fantastically prosaic pile of pfundamentalist poop:
In response to Jason [E-mail to the Editor, Oct. 1] who wants a man to lead. Sorry to burst your bubble, Jason, but women can lead, too. Case in point: If elected president, I would immediately embark on 10 things:

Oh boy - it's a list! I can hardly contain my anticipation.
1. Round up all illegal immigrants standing on corners and bus or fly them back to native homelands.

Can I have the job of designing the flyer for this one? I'm thinking we contract with Jet Blue to be the Official Airline of Street Corner Deportations. The tagline would be something like "Win a Free One-Way International Flight- Stand Here."
2. Have correctional officers immediately identify and organize low-risk prisoners to pick fruits and vegetables.

This isn't already happening?
3. Have all public schools have access to menial jobs, as in the fast food industry, so American teens can do the jobs illegals using fake Social Security numbers have been hijacking.

First of all, let me say that this is shaping up to be one hell of a platform. But it seems to me she could save even more time and money by simply arming all public school kids, and having them walk around exterminating all illegal aliens. That way, they wouldn't have to miss class in order to work the counter at Denny's, and they could learn valuable lessons in gun safety ("Don't lead the old ones so much") and cultural exchange ("He said 'I wash my hands for supper'.").
4. Build a wall between Mexico and USA. Have unemployed Americans build it.

Hey now! The Works Progress Administration is BACK and BETTER THAN EVER. They should go one step further and get all the bricks for the wall from old WPA projects - just go around the country tearing them all down and ship the bricks south.
5. Make caring for disabled, elderly and infirmed a national priority.

I don't know exactly who "infirmed" who, but you shouldn't ever do that to anybody. Frankly, these drains on Social Security should be a national priority - for elimination. Do people realize who many family photos are destroyed every year due to the presence of a child with misshapen chromosomes, or someone so elderly that their spine has taken the shape of a cheetah's? Somebody name Jim Jones the Secretary of Elder and Disability Affairs NOW.
6. Make most public schools vocational schools so our children have a job out of high school instead of wasting another four to eight years at some liberal college where they end up with a menial job anyway.

Looks like somebody's a little bit bitter about graduating cum laude in communications, and getting nothing but an internship at the local morning zoo radio show. How's the waitressing job, anyway?
7. Encourage health and fitness as an alternative to medications.

That fits in quite nicely with your policy of providing massive vocational support to the fast food industry.
8. Limit bureaucracy on all levels. Merge departments. Fire lazy, apathetic individuals who have been playing solitaire on computer instead of their doing jobs.

Whoa! She went and got all CEO on us. I'll start - let's merge the Office of Health and Human Services with the Air Force, the IRS, and the CIA. Then, we'll buy Park Place, pass "Go", and get slammed in the dumper by Ron Jeremy. Problem solved, opportunity gained. And, we'll likely get AIDS and not be a drain on Social Security.
9. Send all spoiled Hollyweirdos to a remote island with liquor, nightclubs and nannies.

She really did box herself in by starting a "Top 10" list. It seems like she ran out of things to say around #4, and she's relying on her "filler" material to round out the list.

10. Ban television and movies. Make reading books, newspapers and websites like WorldNetDaily mandatory.
- Jen Hienz


Thankfully, in Jen's America, I will still be able to enjoy my beloved Internet porn. That's all I really need.

6 comments:

Carl said...

6. Make most public schools vocational schools so our children have a job out of high school instead of wasting another four to eight years at some liberal college where they end up with a menial job anyway.

YAY! Menial labor for everyone!

Except the rich, of course...

not_over_it said...

No more doctors will solve all Jen's problems!

KEvron said...

so, my buddy owns a sorta high-profile restaurant in sf. it's in an historical building which sat empty for many years. the city decided to lease it commercially. they only got three props for the joint: my buddy's, a second fledgling restaurateur's and the nutjob's. the nutjob's idea was to open an automat to be operated by homeless people. he didn't intend to pay these homeless employees, just gather them up and put them to work. swear to god.

KEvron

Anonymous said...

Kevron,

That automat idea fella is a real problem solver, I am sure the homeless people would love to finally get a job, work for nothing at all and still remain on the streets, hungry, and homeless. Was that dude dropped on his head, often, as a child?

vesti said...

I really thought that my "Homeless Cafe" idea would work ... and, God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Carl said...

Vesti,

They can. You have to buy them a plane ticket first.