The Bullshit Report

Freedom of Speech is always a tricky subject with religious kooks. They love free speech when one of their nutcase children marches around his school handing out Pentecostal leaflets that tell everyone that gay kids will burn in hell, but they hate free speech when a hip-hop artist sings about some pretty titties. They love free speech when they get to shame young women who are walking into Planned Parenthood clinics, but hate free speech when progressives hold signs that say anti-Christian things like "No War." Despite their self-contradictory love-hate relationships with the First Amendment, perhaps the most amazing aspect of conservative "thought" on this topic is ... they don't understand the concept in the first place.

Witness the witless diatribes of James L. Lambert, a "frequent contributor" to OneNewsNow.com's "Perspectives" columns. He likes to write about "free speech," and that's his right to do so. Hell, based on his extensive expertise on the topic, he should be published far and wide:

James L. Lambert [...] is a licensed nationwide real-estate mortgage loan sales agent. He is licensed with the state of Calif. Department of Real Estate and has a broad background in the real estate lending field. He has worked in various capacities for Crocker National Bank, San Diego Trust and Savings Bank and First Interstate Bank. He has also taught Finance at Mira Costa Community College for 3 years.

Whoa! Stop the presses ... for all of those "lawyers" out there who think that THEY have a monopoly on free-speech interpretation. James Lambert is here to show you what free speechification is all about - it's not just a column, it's a Jumbo with a 5-year-ARM. Anyway, rather than comment on the extraordinary level of retardation that James brings to the "debate" table, I figured I would simply categorize all of his bullshit statements and let them stand on their own two, stupid, chromosomally-deprived feet (his full column is here). Here goes:

UNSUBSTANTIATED STATEMENTS/BASE UNTRUTHS
"Just 60 days ago, liberals representing San Francisco's Board of Supervisors (an elected government body) were just one vote away from censoring radio talk-show host Michael Savage's on-air remarks about pro-illegal alien demonstrators. They charged accused Savage of race and hate speech crimes."

"Leftists agree that their speech should be protected in the public forum. But the speech of conservatives is a different matter."

"The school would not tolerate Minuteman Jim Gilcrest's freedom of speech."

"And on numerous occasions Ahmadinejad has called for the destruction of the United States."

"The radio talk-show host can't order the annihilation of a people, as Ahmadinejad has called for with the Jewish people."

"Admadinejad's regime presents a clear and present danger to the peace of the world. One small suitcase nuclear bomb, if strategically placed, can disrupt the security of the world for generations."

UNWARRANTED COMPARISONS/CONFLATIONS/FALSE CHOICES
"Bollinger and his liberal friends wouldn't "tolerate" the ROTC on their campus -- but they welcome Ahmadinejad with open arms."

"I ask you: With Iran's link to terrorism and this man in power, how safe is the world community? Yet leftists are more anxious to censor the speech of radio talk-show hosts such as Michael Savage."

"Savage is not the leader of a nation. He is a U.S. citizen and is protected by the First Amendment. In contrast, Admadinejad has denied freedom of speech to his opponents; culture police rule urban Iran; and freedom of speech as we know it in America is denied to Iranians."

GENERAL UNMITIGATED STUPIDITY/FALSE CHARACTERIZATIONS
"Is it just me -- or does anyone else see a double standard in how liberals are applying the principle of freedom of speech these days?"

"It was amazing to see all the clamoring among liberals in the last few days regarding Columbia University's offer to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at their university forum."

"I guess liberals have a short memory."

"But these folks on the left seem like they are particularly unclear and uncertain when it comes to free speech."

"I guess liberals don't understand that Michael Savage doesn't have the kind of power that is at the disposal of the president of Iran."

Wow! That's a whole pile of steaming stupid. Frankly, I could spend half the weekend documenting why each of them is ludicrously inaccurate or silly, but what's the point? Trust me, it all comes back to "James just made some shit up." But none of his statements begins to approach the grand prize winning granddaddy of them all, and it deserves some recognition and a response:

"Perhaps they need to read the First Amendment again: 'Congress shall make no law ... prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech ... and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.'"

Thanks, James. Considering you cited no examples of laws enacted to abridge freedom of speech, and no examples of law enforcement officals attempting to enforce a law abridging someone's freedom of speech, I'm presuming that you included this citation to truly drive home the point that you're incapable of making the most basic of intellectual discriminations and connections. I'm also guessing that you have trouble following the recipe for Campbell's "Soup at Hand," and you are often distracted by the instructions to "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" on the back of a shampoo bottle (leading to extra-long showers, and uncomfortable moments of confusion when the shampoo inevitably runs out).

But you're certainly free to talk about those things all you like. It's America.

There's No Vision Like Re-vision

I am generally amused by OneNewsNow's attacks on the teevee industry, but some days are better than others:

The broadcast television time slot once the home of Happy Days and Little House on the Prairie is now nowhere near as family-friendly -- according to the latest "family hour" study from a high-profile TV watchdog group. [...] PTC's Melissa Henson says the continued degradation is a natural extension of decreasing program standards that started in the 1990s. "The family hour really started to break apart in the mid-90s with the introduction of shows like Friends and Mad About You," she explains, noting that such programs "were really geared to a more mature audience and adult audience debuting during the family hour."

"I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans. "

Of course, things were better back in the good old days. Here's some more old-timey nostalgic daydreaming from Ms. Henson:

Prior to that breakdown in standards, she says, those time slots were characterized by programs that families did not have to worry about containing offensive material and could "sit down and safely, comfortably watch together." She cites among those programs such series as Little House on the Prairie, Highway to Heaven, and Touched by an Angel.

Yeah, and don't leave out The Waltons, Flipper, and Gentle Ben. American Prime Time TeeVee was a safe haven for families in the 70's where families could congregate at their TV Dinner trays and share some undercooked tater tots and rubberized Salisbury Steak with their children while watching merry fare that honored the life, death and resurrection of our Lord. That must be why, in 1977, Donald Wildmon (the founder of the AFA - the parent organization of OneNewsNow.com) had this to say:

"One evening in 1977 I sat down with my family to watch TV. On one channel was adultery, on another cursing, on another a man beating another over the head with a hammer. I asked the children to turn off the TV. I sat there, got angry, and said, 'They're going to bring this into my home, and I'm going to do all I can to change it.' I brooded for a while and then came up with a plan for our church to turn off the TV for a week. I sent out a press release and the national media picked up on it. Through that 'Turn Off The TV Week' I learned there were literally millions of other people around the country who felt the same way I did. That was the beginning of the American Family Association."

Of course, Wildmon provided plenty more Nuggets of Intellectual Greatness during the early years of his crusade against satanic television. I found this great report from the Media Coalition that explores the origins of the AFA ... here's a peek:

"Back in my younger days I reached the conclusion that the worst thing that could happen would be to come to the time of death and realize that my life had made no difference," Wildmon said. That night in 1976 as he sat watching television with his family, he found the vehicle for his ambitions. He later claimed that as he switched channels he was unable to find a single show that didn't feature sex, violence, or profanity. Wildmon interpreted this as a calling from God to take up the fight for purer television. The first effort to attract national attention was a campaign called, "Turn the Television Off Week," which targeted mostly southern cities in July 1977. Wildmon claimed that his survey of television programming revealed that 54 per cent of all shows had sexual content. Wildmon said such a high proportion of sexual programming distorted real life. He was also upset that "90 percent" of the sex was adulterous.

He struck out at CBS, accusing it of complicity in the murder of a little girl in Wichita Falls, Texas. The four-year-old was murdered by her mother, who had seen a similar crime committed when CBS broadcast "Exorcist II." "CBS must accept partial blame for her death," Wildmon insisted. "They were an accessory to the murder." An NFD picket outside CBS headquarters in New York carried a sign that insisted: "CBS Controlled by Satan."

So, with all apologies to Ned Flanders, the "Family Hour" appears to be a creative figment of the collective imaginations of "pro-family" radical activists. Not to mention that "Happy Days" (particularly in Season 1) contained a heavy dose of teenage sexual innuendo and in the early days featured a filthy Asian guy (who was, of course, replaced tastefully by the Italian-American On-Cor frozen dinners dude). And who among us didn't want to rip a piece off of this:


"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Readin', wRitin', and Semi-Automatics

I've never owned again. Actually, I've never fired a gun. Okay, I've never held a gun (a real, loaded one). And it's not like I've lived in an ivory tower ... I grew up in Stoughton, MA (otherwise known as "Brockton's outhouse") ... when I was 12 my house was broken into and ransacked ... when I was 13, a kid stuck what looked like a real gun in my face and told me he was stealing my bike - after I damn near shit myself, he then laughed and told me it wasn't real ... I lived in Downtown Boston for 4 years ... now I live in a town adjacent to the city, and the guy two doors down from me got busted for racketeering a few years back. Still, I have never once even considered that I might ever want or need to own a firearm. If I did, I probably would have shot my wife's goddamn cat many years ago.


I just pissed on your couch, asshole.


For some reason, evangelical Christians LOVE guns and can't live without them. They want to carry their guns with them everywhere, because everyone knows that safety begins with a full-armed populace. It's the same principle as in the NHL - they are trying to cut down on fighting this year, so every player is allowed to carry a concealed tire iron. I'm guessing that hockey games will immediately become non-stop love-fests, and penalty minutes will shrivel to nearly zero.


Just don't let Ike Turner loan the Bruins any footwear.

The "final frontier" for the Jesus Gun Club is apparently ... public schools. That's right - a well-armed faculty is a prepared faculty, and they won't take any more shit from that kid in the third row, either:

A high school teacher in southern Oregon is challenging a school district policy that prevents her from carrying a gun on school grounds -- even though she is legally licensed to do so. [...] She is recently divorced and has a restraining order against her ex-husband, and to further protect herself, she has obtained a legal concealed carry permit for her handgun. However, the Medford school district prohibits any guns on school grounds, even by a licensed carrier.

THE BASTARDS! But nobody expresses thinly veiled advocacy-for-profit through feigned outrage about this issue any better than Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America:

Pratt [...] states that if more law-abiding people were armed, there would be fewer people killed in school shootings. His argument is that deranged killers do not pay attention to gun control laws and they certainly do not obey them. "The fact of the matter is, when people have been able to get to their guns, even in schools where there were shootings -- whether it was the Appalachian school of law, the high school in Pearl, Mississippi, or the high school in Edinboro, Pennsylvania - killers were stopped because somebody else had a gun," he says.

You betcha! Larry does leave out the fact that in Edinboro, the student who did the shootings left the school dance hall where the shootings occurred and was no longer a threat to anyone when he was accosted by a shotgun-wielding citizen ... and that the kid in Pearl had also left the building, and it is anyone's guess as to whether he was actually going to continue to another school for further shootings when he was stopped by his armed principal. Ah, never mind the details. Guns equal safety, and we should encourage as many law-abiding citizens to carry them as possible.

Like, for example, in Oregon. The legal age to possess a firearm is 18 - although you can't legally SELL guns to anyone under 21 in Oregon (a curious law ... can you imagine if liquor laws were framed that way?). Frankly, EVERY 18 YEAR OLD in Oregon's public schools should come in packing heat, every day. They can't CONCEAL their weapons until they are 21, but who would want to? Guns will become the new fashion statement for students of legal age ... I would wear mine Flavor Flav-style, a big FUCKED UP gun hanging over my stomach from a huge gold rope chain. Yih, yih, yih.



Of course, the OneNewsNow.com readers completely agree with me:

We already had a ton of gun laws in effect even before Columbine. Gun control doesn't stop the violence - law abiding people with values and firearms do.
Posted by Laura Wright

Right on! Law-abiding people with values but WITHOUT guns ... well, they're just all a big, pussified part of the problem.

If some of the students at VA Tech had not been deprived of their right to carry concealed handguns with their valid and legally obtained permits there might not have been near as many deaths. The dean of VA Tech indicted in news interviews he was glad the school had kept other students from being able to excercise their legally obtained privileges. If you happen to find yourself in a similiar situation would you like the ablity to protect yourself and or your family or other people dear to you?
Posted by Scott Cox

Absolutely. And wouldn't it have been cool if, after the shooter started on his rampage, a bunch of other VT students whipped out their weapons and started firing? And better still, what if people couldn't tell who was a deranged shooter and who was playing "Die Hard," since college kids usually don't attend class in police uniforms? Wouldn't it have been great if the entire campus degenerated into a big free-fire zone? The ex-guardsmen who shot up Kent State would have been forced to bow their heads in TOTAL RESPECT to the gunmen of VT Kill Crazy Bullet Orgy 2006.

And hey, I may not own a gun, but I do hire a Ninja on weekends.

Army of Darkness

Perhaps no greater hypocritical inconsistency was ever expressed than this from the character of Colonel Kurtz in "Apocalypse Now":

We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene.

The United States armed forces has always been mighty concerned about all aspects of morality, with the exception of small tidbits like "collateral damage." Of course, one would NEVER expect that soldiers could possibly be allowed to view pornographic materials in This Man's Army. I mean, God only knows what might happen if those floodgates were ever opened:







Despite all of the horrific consequences that our doe-eyed, innocent fighting men and women would face if they were subjected to nudie pictures every now and again, the US Military has launched an all-out attack against God The Creator Himself, with their plan to sell Playboy and other magazines in base PX's:

A Christian advocacy group is encouraging military families, and other concerned citizens, to write letters to the Defense Department expressing concern over the recent decision by the Pentagon that allows the sale of certain adult magazines at military exchanges.

The Military Honor and Decency Act was passed by Congress and prohibits sexually explicit material from being sold on Defense Department property. However, it is up to a department review board to determine what material is considered explicit, and it has ruled that magazines like Playboy and Penthouse can be sold at military exchanges.

Hell, we're stationed in the Middle East already ... why not re-create Sodom and Gomorrah all over again? OneNewsNow's concerned readers weigh in on the subject:

This is especially interesting in light of the
removal and destruction of "religious" material
from jail and/or prison libraries.
How ludicrous to insinuate that "religious"
media material would cause more problems
than any type of pornography.
Posted by Star Stuart

Yeah. Prisons don't have enough Bibles. You nailed it, Star.

As a mother of a newly enlisted Marine, I am not too pleased to hear about this decision. I've been monitoring computers for quite some time now. Why is pornogoraphy in any shape or form necessary any where? I feel they should have other issues on their minds than this. Perhaps they could read their bibles instead and read and reread about Soddom and Gommorrah, exactly what this world is becoming.
Posted by Carol

Carol, I'm wondering what would cause your son to voluntarily enlist in the Marines ... the fact that you monitored his computer use, or your continuous insistence that he read his Bible at bedtime. I'll go with both.

To take a wonderful human being and turn her into a sex object. How evil. Even the taliban has respect for the sacredness of the female body.
Posted by MJ

So, in order to "respect" something, we must hide it from view completely and act like it doesn't exist. Evidently, when the Kennedy family locked away their mongoloid kid and had him lobotomized, it was out of "respect."

But the Gem of the Day goes to...

I hypothesize that porn is a leading cause to the rise of sexual assaults being experienced in the military. The DOD has a duty to put in place policies that prohibit the sale of porn on military installations, the viewing of porn on military installations, and to educate soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines of the harmful effects of porn. This is no different than alcohol abuse or drug abuse.
Posted by Barry Wright

Nice hypothesis, Barry. Back when I was a behavior analyst, I hypothesized that porn actually REDUCED the overall incidence of rape and sexual assault. Since I was naturally curious to learn whether or not my hypothesis was true, I decided to do what's called "research" (which, surprisingly, does not involve memorizing Biblical verses). Although there is a limited amount of information available on the topic, my favorite study was done on Porn and Sexual Assault in Japan. A few nuggets from this well-crafted article:

Presently in Japan, sexually explicit video tapes, books, and magazines which cater to all sorts of erotic interests and fetishes are readily available. These include sexually obvious manga without age restrictions as to availability. Phone booths in commercial areas and city newspapers contain advertisements for sexual liaisons of every sort. However, this availability of modern pornography is relatively new. Essentially since the end of World War II with the imposition of American military rules, which lasted until 1951, there was prohibition of any sexually explicit material. This continued under the Japanese government into the late 1980s; images or depictions of frontal nudity were banned as were pictures of pubic hair or genitals. No sex act could be depicted graphically.

The situation began to change markedly at the turn of the present decade. While the laws themselves were not modified, interpretation of them changed. Judges during this period became increasingly liberal allowing more pornography of wider scope to be considered "not obscene." Concomitantly with this, as the widely reported uproar regarding a case of rape by American servicemen of a young Okinawan girl in 1995 might reflect, this crime is taken quite seriously in Japan (Anonymous, 1995). Analysis, thus, particularly of the years covering this last decade of rapid change, seemed of value.

Aw, jeez. More Americans raping foreign nationals. That is one horny fighting force! Anyhoo...

This present study concentrates on the offenses of Rape, Sexual assault and Public indecency in Japan and analyzes how their occurrence correlates with the increasing availability of pornography. [...] We particularly attend to any influence the introduction of widely available pornography might have had on juveniles.

[...]

Despite the absence of evidence, the myth persists that an abundance of sexual explicit material invariably leads to an abundance of sexual activity and eventually rape (e.g., Liebert, Neale, & Davison, 1973). Indeed, the data we report and review suggests the opposite. Christensen (1990) argues that to prove that available pornography leads to sex crimes one must at least find a positive temporal correlation between the two. The absence of any positive correlation in our findings, and from results elsewhere, between an increase in available pornography and the incidence of rape or other sex crime, is prima facie evidence that no link exists.

I highly recommend that everyone - most especially Barry - check out the whole paper. See, now that I have read this "study," I can actually feel more confident in my belief that the availability of pornography may reduce the likelihood of violent sex crime. Hell, it may even reduce the occurrence of hot liaisons between comrades in their foxholes.


"The Horror."

Devout Christians Defend Traditional Asses

If there were an 11th Commandment, it would be "Thou Shalt Not Mess With The Ass." Normally, Christians feverishly protect the male ass from external intrusion, but lately they have been branching out into the world of female ass advocacy. Our friends at OneNewsNow.com detail a particularly putrid perversion of that which God made and no man shall put asunder:

CKE Restaurants' Patty Melt "flat buns" ad for its Carl's Jr. and Hardee's Restaurants has been pulled and re-edited to remove a teacher who danced atop her desk in a classroom while pointing out her flat derriere -- the subject of rapping hip-hoppers in her classroom [...] Bill Johnson of American Decency Association says problems like this are why the Bible commands Christians to be salt and light in the culture.

Here is the offending ad, for which we should immediately invoke Sharia law and have the model stoned, beaten and raped (though not necessarily in that order):



Of course, the fine OneNewsNow readers have their say on the matter:

I have to agree. I disconnected my television for 15 years. Now that our son is grown, married and on his own, I have reconnected it. I am on the verge of a complete disconnection at this rate. I cannot understand the commercial advertisors. I realize that all they are interested in is the money, but at the expense of our children? The commercials that degrade children or create images of them as bullies and mean people is outrageous as well as those mentioned in this article of sex inuendos!! I am sick of it!!!
Posted by Lynn

Lynn - please re-connect your "speak & spell" while you are at it.

I watched a cartoon with my grandchild one Saturday morning and was appalled to see the SUPERHERO backhand a young woman, knocking her across the room! Some message to be presenting to young boys and girls...
Posted by Jane Sullivan

Jane - why are you watching "The Adventures of Pimpman and Cracky" anyway?

i could not agree more. i'm as much offended by the commercials any more as i am on any & most tv programs. i asked when did hamburgers and sex end up in the same sentence. the Dairy Queen some of have had the same enuendo's.
Posted by sue sopala

People have sex without hamburgers?

It's a wild world.

Loyalty Update

Wow, the OneNewsNuts are really angry at Fox News. Here's some more comments from the wingnut gallery:

I wish I knew what makes everyone rally around these homosexual groups. Why the money spent, the parties given, Why? I just don't understand the privledge they rank. A life style that is pure decadance and it gets all the glory. Just don't understand why the need to back this group. A group that can run half naked down the streets for its Gay Pride day (that makes you proud?), while anyone else trying that would get arrested for breaking the indency laws. and for those who think I'm homophobic, what does that mean exactly? All I can tell you, is that my father was gay and I saw things no kid should see ok? So, I do know what I'm talking about.
Posted by Linda

Thanks for sharing, Linda. My dad was gay, too, and while growing up, I also was subjected to sights that no child should ever view:







I don't want to talk about it any more.

The only station I watched was Fox and now I have been deceived. So will get back to some wonderful music and good books. The best one that I do read a lot is the Bible, don't have to guess if there is truth there, because we know it is all truth. Maybe more should pick it up and read the truth. Very disappointed in Fox.
Posted by Norma Robinson

Might I suggest a few ideas?

I am sorry to hear that Fox news is suportive of homosexual activities of any kind. I have always liked Fox news for its conservitive stance. If it support homosexual lifestyle in any way I will no longer watch it.
Posted by Knute Seglem

"Conservitive [sic] stance?" I'll show you conservative stance!

Loyalty

Ever wonder why the divorce rate is so high amongst evangelical Christians? Look beyond the stereotypes about wife-beating drunken Larry-the-septic-tank-guy lookin' slobs and their fat hairy beast-wives and you'll find a unifying characteristic amongst southern/plains states Christians - if you cross them ONCE, you're dead to them forever. You might have gone on endless wilding runs and beaten up thousands of negroes with your friends, but save just ONE 14-year-old black girl from being gang-raped and all of a sudden you're the ultimate pariah. Such is the treatment that Fox News is receiving at the hands of OneNewsNow's readers:

Fox News Channel blasted for supporting pro-homosexual group

The president of an Illinois-based pro-family group says many fans of the Fox News Channel would be surprised -- and perhaps even upset -- to know that the network, which describes itself as "fair and balanced," supports a conference for homosexual journalists. The program guide for the recent conference of the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association in San Diego featured an ad by Fox News Channel. A representative for Americans for Truth About Homosexuality (AFTAH) also attended the conference, which featured homosexual media and mainstream media strategizing around a pro-homosexual perspective. AFTAH president Peter LaBarbera says Fox News has supported the pro-homosexual group for several years.

In Galatians 3:22, the Lord did say "ye shall mete out swift and due punishment to thy transgressor" (actually, I just made that up - sounds good, right?). Anyway, the readers were more than happy to weigh in on the "Fox and Cocks" scandal:

Fair and balanced = Father, Mother, and Children. Thank you
Posted by john rogers

Evidently John is a big fan of "Logan's Run," and Grandma and Grandpa were killed off a long time ago.

If God says this life style is a sin, why in the world would you support it?
Posted by Bob White

Bob, I don't remember anything in the Ten Commandments about gay sex being sinful, but I do recall that little "bear false witness" line. And this is the FIRST time you're getting pissed at Fox for "sinning"?

Because of this support of Homosexuals and theother trash on t.v. we have had our satellite disconnected. Now we read and do other things.I encourage everyone to do the same thing.
Posted by gail gossum

Wow, that was fast acting on your part! I'm glad your family will have more quality time for "other things," like incest and sticking Coke bottles up sheeps' asses. GIT R DONE.

Homosexuality is an aberration of why God created Adam and Eve.
Posted by John V.

I don't even know what that means. John, perhaps you should watch the Fox Vocabulary Channel.

For FOX to support the National Gay journalists convention in San Diego, I feel that I have been "slapped" in the face and I must now reconsider my viewing options. Please say it "ain't so".
Posted by Lynda

Is there any reason to spell out the "slapped in the face" joke here? I didn't think so.

Good time for me to stop watching the news anyway,as my son-in-law flies out for Iraq the 15th of this month.GOD HELP THIS NATION.
Posted by Joe

Yeah, you picked a great time to stop informing yourself of world events.

I recall Bill O'Reilly was the commentator/spin zone that brought to our attention that Chavez (leader in Venuzuela) owned Citgo and supplied the fuel. He wants to overthrow our government and thinks President Bush is the devil! Go figure. Why let Citgo be a sponsor of FoxNews if they hate our country. 7-11 stores got it right. They stopped using Citgo as a fuel supplier and went with local vendors!!!
Posted by Tricia

"Prevent the next 9-11 by shopping at 7-11." Thanks, Tricia!

But perhaps the award for the post with the most tormented irony goes to Mr. Spray:

I have been a FOX fan for years and believe for the most part they are truly fair and balanced. They present, in most cases, both sides of the issue, which is as it should be. I am truly ashamed that they would support the gay/lesbian agenda in any way.
Posted by John Spray

It's a wild world.